Unspeakable: When Our Adult Children Want Nothing to Do With Us

You know, e v e r y holiday and birthday is like a dagger in my back. Sometimes I just lie on my bed and cry my eyes out. I adopted Maria when she was two-years-old as I couldn’t have children of my own and had no husband. Her mom died of a drug overdose. She was the cutest little girl and loved following me around. I became her everything. Every time I left the room without her she would scream for attention. It took a long time for her to be a relaxed, regular child. She was quite popular with the other kids at school who thought she was charming and smart.

Unfortunately, when she got to be a teenager she would stay out over night with friends and not come home. Finally she would come home after I nearly lost my mind and then she acted as if everything was OK. She told me I was the best mom in the world. I eventually took her to counseling and was told Maria has an attachment disorder. I didn’t really understand what that meant. But I eventually learned. When Maria turned 18, she ran off with a boyfriend and has never been heard from again. It’s like I never mattered to her. That was 20 years ago. My only comfort today comes from knowing through indirect contacts, that she is still alive and that my suffering over her loss at least indicates how much I loved her and still do. This is not something I talk about with friends although many of them already know my story and feel sorry for me. Every holiday I privately ask, “Maria why won’t you come home?” I never hear from her.

Hardly anything is more heartbreaking than having one or more of our adult children simply disappear from our lives for no apparent reason. Yes, it seems inconceivable but it happens a lot more often than we think. The cruel grief of such a loss is often more than any of us parents can bear. Even the idea of such losses sounds absurd and can send most of us packing. The sadness and possible shame we bear is not something we discuss idly with fellow parents, many of whom are enjoying seemingly rich connections to their adult kids and grandkids.

It can send shivers down our spine to know that our kids are alive but not seeing us. The trauma from losing our kids in this way can be worse that losing our children to death. Such pain affects all of our relationships. Generally we may choose to not even listen to happy talk about family life, even though we very much approve of others enjoying their children and grandkids. Obviously it’s very easy to blame ourselves and ask, “What did I do wrong?” There’s no hiding from the guilt and shame. It haunts us and cannot be put into words.

Parental abandonment is especially hard around holidays, birthdays and family ritual times. It is made worse when everything on the TV and media excessively praises the joys of extended family. Such ordeals may visit us year after year much like trauma memories disturb their victims. Due to our own shame and vulnerability most of us abandoned parents find such losses unspeakable.

There are other reasons why we lose words over such losses. They’re simply incomprehensible. After all, how do you tell a friend, “Oh yeah, my daughter never calls me or visits during the holidays or my birthday” or “You know I haven’t seen my son in years. We used to have such a good relationship when he was a boy.” The most obvious response from a friend is, “Why would your children not contact you? Have you done something to turn them away?” The unfortunate truth is that you cannot explain, even to yourself, why your kids have distanced from you. There is no obvious reason for it. In sympathy, caring friends may react to us with silence or well-meaning reassurances. These UnspeakableWalkingPath500x465efforts only make things worse. Most of us simply lack our own explanations for why our kids just drift off from us in their lives. Most of us hate to burden our friends with suffering we ourselves can hardly bear and are very reluctant to let the cat out of the bag regarding our wayward children. Hence, we live in the isolation of unspeakable silence.

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Let’s be clear. It’s indeed not normal for kids to disown their parents. As long as they are not currently being abused, adult children do in fact have a natural drive and responsibility to acknowledge parents no matter how imperfect their childhood may have been. It’s reasonable for parents to expect calls from kids on holidays, birthdays and uneventful days throughout the year. But in fact many parents do not get such calls. It’s not something parents want to talk about and it’s not something that parents are even able to talk about, even to themselves. Hence such losses are unspeakable.

If this article applies to you, know that you are not alone. Almost all parents have at least one adult child they can’t talk about because it is so painful to do so. Some parents have it even worse than you do. It’s normal for you to have recurring and intrusive anguish over being ditched by your kids. Often nothing easily can be done about it. Some of us are just appointed in life to bear burdens for no particularly good reason. Unjust suffering is a fact of life, according to Buddhists. There are benefits to suffering we do not choose. One of which is learning how to self-forgive. It is possible to move beyond and grow beyond unspeakable losses.

Why do children disown their parents?

There are numerous reasons why adult children abandon their parents, for what appears to be no reason. Most of these reasons don’t amount to a hill of beans when you as a parent are in the throes of traumatic lost memory. However later, when you are calmer, you may want to understand why such losses occurred. In the example above the daughter was diagnosed as having reactive attachment disorder — when a child cannot securely bond with an adult, has a fear of being abandoned and does not easily hold on to emotional experiences with a primary caregiver.

Most of us cannot get our parents out of our head. These children can do that quite easily, and they find it terrifying to stay connect with parents that they have abandoned for years. Such adult kids when asked might say, “Oh I have the greatest mom in the world. I just haven’t seen her in a while.” It’s hard to grasp such thinking but it is quite common for unattached people whose whole life is about surviving, and not bonding.

As long as they are not currently being abused, adult children do in fact have a natural drive and responsibility to acknowledge parents no matter how imperfect their childhood may have been. Share on X

Sometimes, children who were once close to us have been manipulated by the other (usually absent) parent in a painful parental alienation syndrome. If the other more absent parent is vindictive and sees the children as objects to be used, then he or she can brainwash the children into not liking you through lies or bribing children to distance from you. Often such behaviors occur with the children’s partial cooperation as they long to please the absent parent and also enjoy the spoils of being catered to. Finally, if children have grown up in a hidden traumatic childhood experience, in adulthood they may not want to touch their families with a 10 foot pole later in life, while they simultaneously truly love their most caring parent. Few of us grasp the strong impulses of traumatized people to flee and we instead see our children as rejecting us. Such children are not running away from us, they are running away from being mentally out of control and helpless. The love for us caring parents is always somewhere in our children’s bodies even when they disown us; it’s just too painful for our kids to access it.

I have two adult boys who live in the Twin Cities and they want nothing to do with me. They are good looking kids and used to be my little sweethearts. I send them cards, invite them over for dinner and remember every birthday they have. I get nothing back from them. Times were hard when they were young but we stuck together as a little family, sometimes without a home. My ex and I used to drink and he would beat me up. Finally one day I told him I had enough. I took the kids and we lived on our own. I had three part-time jobs and we made it as a family. My ex told me when I left, “Someday I’ll get them back.” Well, over the years he did. He sobered up and started being like the Disney Land dad to our boys. And he also started telling the boys what a whore I was and how I had kicked him out of the house. When the boys got to be teenagers they decided they would move in with their dad and his floozy girlfriend. Over time the boys started not seeing me. They might think that it was me that ruined the marriage. They don’t know what it was like being beaten every day. Sometimes I hate myself for not staying. Mostly I just cry and miss my boys.

Forgiving ourselves

Personally I think there is a special place in heaven for those of us disowned parents, near where Mother Teresa lies. Often we have been the best thing that ever happened to our children. The problem is that we ourselves don’t think so. Many of us are haunted by unending feelings of failure for how our children turned out. Sometimes we have done some ill-advised things around our children in their growing up years, only compounding our shame. We are only human. At least we were the ones around our children.

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It is critical to understand that no matter how problematic our childrens’ childhoods were there is absolutely no justification for their rejecting us today from their lives. If they do so, they are doing so out of their own spite and cluelessness, not because they were harmed in childhood. All of us are obliged today to forgive our parents. If you have any doubts just ask yourself, “Would you disown your own parents today for the mistakes they made years ago?” Most of us know the answer to that question. Sadly, adult children who disown their parents are only abusing themselves and making their own lives worse.

Beyond these observations it’s best to allow yourself to grieve the unspeakable loss of your children while doing the best you can to minimize that loss. Let yourself be as sad as you need to be, for as long and repetitively as you need to be and don’t expect that such losses will go away easily. Often, personal shame and guilt will be part of the feelings of loss. It is best to accept those feelings too, not as facts about your behaviors, but as normal responses for people who grieve unspeakable losses. If the shame gets too bad, focus on something positive in the present, like how beautiful the flowers are on your table at home, the flowers you bought for yourself to comfort your loss. Consider being more open with close friends about the complex grief of being a rejected mother or father and ask them to check in on you every anniversary and holiday. Don’t dwell on your pain more than you need to. Move on with your new life in positive directions, perhaps by involving children who would like to be around you. There are plenty of kids out there who would love to have you as a substitute parent. Keep in mind that your adult kids are not running away from you. They are truly running away from the positive way you live inside them. You will live forever in your kids.

John H. Driggs, L.I.C.S.W., is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul and co-author of Intimacy Between Men (Penguin Books, 1990). Call 651-699-4573

Last Updated on September 16, 2022


  1. Caroline K says:

    As a child of emotional, physical and psychological abuse I find this article offensive. There is always a reason a child does not want to see a parent. My family was so toxic it drove me to be suicidal. Best thing I ever did was disown my family but that does not mean it isn’t painful. Parents need to be more accountable and take responsibility for there actions. It’s called denial.

    • Kim says:

      There is NOT always a reason. I am very sorry that you, or anyone else has to deal with a toxic family. NO ONE should have to deal with that! I am not a toxic or abusive person….yet my son has decided not to be in my life. It is painful for everyone…

  2. bernydug says:

    If the child says they do not want to go, you have a positive obligation to encourage the child to spend time with the other parent.

  3. KJD says:

    There are so many reasons I could understand, but that do not apply. What a lot of judgement and assumption in some of these comments. For us, the pain is unending. 35 years of love and support, available at a moment’s notice for child care (we lived close by), financial support in the tens of thousands … one 2-minute episode of anger out of the blue from the son-in-law (daughter absent) and a threat to be removed from our soon-to-be 6 yr old grandchild’s life. Then, months of gradually making good on the threat, the pair of them creating a rationale around raising a gender neutral child. For the record, as members of the LGBTQ2S community ourselves, we believe in allowing a child to evolve into whoever may be their destiny. We don’t believe in labeling pre-school kids and know from personal experience that finding one’s way. one self, is fluid over time. Our experience as adult versions of the child they *imagine* are not seen as relevant, we’re commanded to obey and are judged for complying through a different form through being gender neutral without adopting the current pronoun trend. (To us, that is both triggering from our own childhood experience and also reinforces the stereotypical gender constructs rather than the spectrum.) We must conclude this has something to do with feelings of inadequacy in the son-in-law whose anger in those moments was shocking. Anger shapes relationships and questioning this seemed to further enrage. Physical effects of this trauma are real. There are days, well every day, when I think there is no point on going on. I live for the love in my partner now, if he were gone, I don’t think I could go on so alone. Even as I know this is in part about supporting her husband, I cannot forgive our daughter for ruining the happiness we had only months ago, obviously ignorant of what was brewing in her house. They have ruined the last years of life for us, and taken a very close and loving relationship from their child. Don’t even know where they live. Do not want to live in anger over this, do not want to close doors, yet feel this abandonment is unforgivable. How will our grandchild understand that it is not we who have abandoned that precious child, it is we who have been cruelly abandoned?

  4. Lynn says:

    This article about sums it up for me. My ex husband and I divorced. My daughter was immediately angry with me. Over time, things got worse between us. She told me I didn’t deserve the title “Mom.” Then both of my kids stopped texting or calling. When I got a new job, I contacted their dad to relay the need for beneficiary information. Well they texted me a rant about disregard for feelings and being on time and ordered me not to contact them, unless it was about my will.

    Actions speak louder than anything. If they don’t miss you now, they never noticed your presence either. I’ve come to the conclusion my kids don’t give a hoot about a relationship with me. It’s time to forgive and move on with life.

    Will they regret it? Frankly I’m not focused on a future around them. For my own health, I have to grieve it like a death and live like I really don’t have children. Otherwise I’ll relive the pain every day.

    • Jay says:

      Lynn I know exactly what your going through. A divorce in 2013 ended the relationship between my daughter and son. My son came around a couple years ago and it seemed like things were going to work out between us. Then about a year later he quit talking or coming around. My daughter who has a son now has had nothing to do with me since 2013. It is very difficult to see pics of them and remember how good it was when they were kids. I just keep moving on with my life but holidays, birthdays and such are still very hard. I pray everyday that things will work out. Take care and stay positive Lynn.

    • Christy M says:

      I hear you. You’re not alone. I lived through serious mental abuse with some physical from my ex for 20 years. When I finally got the courage to leave him, me and my girls built a new life while he went on permanent vacation. My youngest’s anger towards me grew to the point where she told me to F myself. I had to face the fact that living with me was hurting her and she needed her dad. She went to live with him and he encouraged her hatred toward me instead of helping her heal. Wouldn’t you know to expect that from a Pastor. I sure as hell didn’t. Five years later she won’t acknowledge me except once where she publicly blasted me for being alive. The pain is real and the wound deep. I appreciate this article greatly. Thank you. Hang in there everyone.

  5. SHARI says:

    Hmmmmm,…. yup some parents are shitty parents and and some kids are shiftty kids!! Generally we reap what we sew. Toxic families are generational untill some one steps up addresses the elephant and breaks the cycle. Un- perfect hurtful parents are unaware as are the neglected children. My parents were not only, less than adequate but also down right abusive. Toxic relational skills are also taught

    • SC says:

      This article isn’t about that. Of course there are horrendous parents but this is lookin at a completely different dynamic.

    • S says:

      Look at the top of the thread and you will see that I completely agree with you 110%. My parents were extremely abusive physically and verbally and psychologically as well as negligent to me and my sister, and to top it all off the icing on the cake was that they denied everything and tried to gaslight us all of our lives. I agree with you. Let’s see if the author of this article who I completely lambasted will post my comments.

  6. Connor says:

    This is a f****** horrible article to make shit parents feel good about themselves. My dad doesn’t know a damn thing about me other than my birthday, and the man expects me to talk to him and be nice? F*** that, the IRS knows more about me than my father. 95% of parents whose children don’t speak to them deserve it. Here’s a hint if you expect your children to love you for providing for their physical needs you are mentally deficient, that’s the bare minimum you sign up for when you chose to have a kid, or intercourse that could lead to a kid. If you aren’t fit to be a parent DON’T HAVE KIDS. In my generation only about 15% of parents that have kids were fit to be parents. And for gods sake don’t marry someone if you don’t plan to die with them, especially if you have kids.

    • J. Rice says:

      Sweetie. There are a million websites that tout the evils of people’s parents. Usually, it is the mothers who are blamed. Please go find any of them. THIS parent doesn’t deserve what has been dealt out, and it is a horror that the offspring, who is not young, has done this. Go elsewhere for your lamentations.

      I will say this: I detest this sort of comment, where sainthood seems to be what is expected:
      “Personally I think there is a special place in heaven for those of us disowned parents, near where Mother Teresa lies. Often we have been the best thing that ever happened to our children. ” There is no place for other than genuine victims in this world, other than social media.

      • Cindy says:

        Yes! I actually have 4 beautiful daughters. Well educated, beautiful and once we were best of friends until they were all in college and their dad and I decided to part ways. He turned those girls against me and it’s been 6 grueling years. I’ve missed so much including 2 weddings. My mother passed last August (who was my world) those girls came into town, didn’t even acknowledge how bad I was hurting (no hug not a thing) left me that night to grieve alone this entire year. I have no more family.
        My girls are my world. I ask God every morning what I am here for. I raised them in church where did I go wrong

        • Darlene says:

          I feel your pain . Our son recently disowned us., at first he blamed it on political issues then he came up with other things, He had his 1st child in March would’nt let us see us see the baby for 2 weeks then he let me see the baby but not my husband. I went at the encouragement of my husband. I loved seeing my new Grandaughter but on my last night there he picked a fight with me about nothing. I was trying to be quiet around the baby & he and his girlfriend came untrained on me. H e even kicked me out of the house @ 9:30 that night. I was so upset . I was so mad at him. then I felt sorry for him. It has even gotten worse . We have tried to talk to him but he refuses. We dont un derstand . he is a former Marine is it PTSD? Is it Drug use ? is it alcohol use? Why would he do this to us??? I have alaso prayed that the Lord sees us through this & to protest our Grandaughter with whats going on. We had a visit planned with our daughter , she 7 her children have not seen the cousin he agreed as long as my daughter was ther & he woul not have to see us. OK
          at least we could see our grandbaby. Well a couple days before we were suppose to leave he tells my daughter We can see her this time but never again. WHAT??? we dont understand its killing me. He was also raised in a christian family .

          • WhoHa says:

            What’s happening to your son is happening with all Millennials and more recent generations. It’s the world gone mad… People full of issues of self entitlement, selfishness, expecting to be surrounded by saints but playing the devil themselves, etc…

      • S says:

        You can be in denial all you want but it is 100% the parents fault every time. You reap what you sow.

        • Janet says:

          Making a statement it is all the parents fault. First of all you do not know what has happened between them. Most of the time after our kids gets married it is their spouses who create all the problems between the son and mother or daughter and mother. Sometimes the daughter in law just wants her parents to be the only grand parents to their kids! You will be sad but if they feel this way give it to them. Let them know your door is always open and leave it alone. If they decide to contact you great if not they are doing you a favor. If you push it it will only be a lot of drama. This is not good for no families. Let God handle it and he will be patient!

        • Kim says:

          That is not only an ignorant statement, but it’s mean. I am truly sorry that someone or something in your life has made you this bitter.

    • Katie says:

      Yes. Yes. Yes. This article grossed me out tbh. Thinking of my, “father,” who does not care to reach out to ME, own up to the horrible things he put me through or care to know if I am ok walking through life with the burdens I carry. I have a child who I treat like gold and constantly praise. I cannot imagine having done so much damage and expecting him to maintain a relationship out of duty. What duty do I have when he abandoned his? My Mother is not perfect but she is proud of me, loves me unconditionally and KNOWS me. That’s really all I need. To be seen and heard. Some kids abandon wonderful parents I am sure…but children are generally hard wired to want to relate to their parents and want to be accepted. If they don’t they are either too self involved or too damaged and fed up with a fake relationship that holds no water.

      • Dee says:

        I don’t judge your situation, but look at the stats. You’re modeling and showing your child how to separate from an imperfect parent. It’s possible, likely she will do to you. You can’t imagine it now, but relationships change as your child grows. Instead, model forgiveness and teach your child how to work through painful but valuable histories. You don’t have to be BFF, just accept, get healing, be whole. Do it for you and your child.

        • Meg says:

          I agree with this response. I believe unless abuse happened that was unforgivable, traumatic and unable to work through in therapy and time, we ask too much from our parents.

          I don’t want to deflect at all from Dee’s response (hope you don’t mind me jumping in).
          I ditched my dad because of a family action he took towards me-he overall was a good dad in so many ways but he did do a handful of terrible things as well.
          I’ll never stop being grateful I had to go to him and ask for money-being in a unbelievable jam. So that started us talking again. I had-always did-a very hard time with my mother as she was very avoidant attachment style -contrary to my anxious attachment style.

          In the end -at 58-my dad passed a year and half ago. He literally became one of my favorite people-a best friend as time went on. My mom i realized just had her own personality/upbringing….and did her best with my personality style. Hanging in there, despite the uncomfortable moments with my mom-strengthened me and gave me something in the end….that I’d not give up for anything in the world.

          I didn’t know that at the time. Raising my daughter I was able to praise frequently the positive, truly good attributes of both of her grandparents.

    • Jason H says:

      I love my daughter man me and her were like two peas in a pod up until she turned 14 and then I had something happen to me that I couldn’t ignore anymore I was in so much pain from walking. Today I work 9 hour days 40 plus hours a week on a foot that I should have never been working on in the first place I only made it worse but the pain was so unbearable it just changed my it changed my way of acting it changed my personality in some ways it just it was unbearable and the days that I got to see my daughter I get angry at her for being lazy I mean little things I would just get ornery and then finally she said she couldn’t be around me no more it was like walking on eggshells and I haven’t seen her for 2 years and in that two years I’ve gotten worse I’ve had to deal with two foot surgeries and it finally healed but my relationship with my daughter is gone it’s like she couldn’t stand to see me the way I was so she left and I’m left with myself and what happened that pain was so bad I had to crawl to my car to get to work and then I have to drink two shots of vodka take some Tylenol ibuprofen just so the pain wouldn’t affect me for the first 4 hours but it still hurt like hell the last two years have been very hard for me and with the coronavirus and all this b******* too yeah maybe I did do something but was it severe enough that I got disowned.

      • Judy Johnsen says:

        Can ypu write your daughter a letter amd tell her all of this? People are not themselves when they are in pain, they are existing, surviving, but not living. I hope you are better now. I hope for all the best for you and good luck.

    • Christy says:

      Not everything is about you. There are more people hurting in this world than you. Please find some mental assistance. Your anger is apparent and very toxic to your soul, whether you choose to realize it or not.

  7. Amaryllis H. says:

    Long story short, college changed my daughter. She went there my little girl and left a completely different person. I don’t even know her anymore. I try to have her in my life. I encourage her. I tell her how much I love her and how much I want to see her. I barely hear anything from her. She won’t visit me so I go to her and she will spend the whole visit looking at her phone. She treats me as if I’m some terrible awful person. She thinks her opinions are the only thing that matters and I’m not allowed to express what I think. She rarely initiates a conversation. I am so depressed over this. If I had it all to do over again I never would have encouraged her to go to college. She was the first one in my family to go, though, and I was so proud of her. Now I have lost her.

    • J. Rice says:

      What a lot of parents seem to need is a kind of a “divorce” from such children when they turn 18. And, no one having children should expect their children to fill in any gaps in his or life. And don’t get me going about people who are insane for grandchildren.

      But for you, I think you might consider relaxing. This is part of your daughter’s developmental process as it should be ours. Get on with things you love doing. In a few years, chances are, she’ll rediscover you. Really. Until then, get a landline, and a Harley. Ok?

    • Joe T. says:

      I am sorry to read this current set of circumstances involving your relationship with your child. My wife and I are going thru somewhat similar circumstances with our son and are experiencing similar difficulties.

    • Arno B says:

      “If I had it all to do over again I never would have encouraged her to go to college.”
      That’s painful to read. Her evolving the best way possible is more important than having an affective bond with her. If that’s how you act with her she’ll definitely end recognizing it. Until then pushing a child to be the best version possible is the only way to go for a parent. That’s how you truly show respects to someone.

    • WhoHa says:

      This is exactly how my daughter acts, even before going to uni. Let’s not kid ourselves, it’s this ungodly world that’s making these ungodly children. And why is this happening to us? We have been ungodly too at some stage or another. We walked out on God. We disowned Him. This is how I see it, sometimes.

  8. Dana says:

    I found myself in tears reading your post! I have had that guilt, isolation and shame for years now.. to the extent that I moved because I can no longer lie to my neighbours and friends who ask me about my daughter. When my daughter was 17, she met a guy who was a gang member at that time (I hope he is not anymore) he got my daughter involved in the same gang, stealing cars, selling drugs, arsen and shootings ..you name it, they both got arrested multiple times but she always went back to him. I tried to get her to work with a therapist and tried to show her that she can turn it all around especially that she is a bright girl who had scholarships offered to her (before the criminal record of course) but she always ran away and chose him over all. The last time I saw her we hugged and we both cried, I told her “stay home and don’t go back to him.. you don’t have to do this” she replied and said “it is my choice and I choosing him” a couple of months later she texted me and asked me for money claiming that I abandoned her, I then again asked her to come home and she refused.. I did transfer her money even though I didn’t want to and that was it never heard from her again.. that was almost 10 years ago and I still cry every time I see her photos when she was my sweet little daughter, every Mother’s Day, ever birthday, every Christmas

    • J. Rice says:

      I envy people who have a “higher power.” I don’t. Because what do you not to go mad? You don’t want to close off your feelings, right? You’d get an ulcer or some such. Outlets for those feelings aren’t as easy to come by as many claim. Small rituals. Maybe planting a few seeds. Somewhere on this page it was mentioned that one could go and take care of children who want them around. No. Then, you’re bringing your horrible pain with you. Increasingly, I think that women need to stop giving birth, period.

      • Judy Johnsen says:

        If you are in pain, seek therapy, or medical help. A higher power can bring help amd relief, should not make you close down or shut in your feelings. Some people write their feelings in a journal. I hope this helps.

    • irene says:


      My heart goes out to you.. I at least know that my daughter is safe.. But I almost feel like I dont have a daughter. She has 4 children which i have never seen. She refuses to talk to me.. And what makes matters worse she has convinced one of my sons to not invite me to any gatherings that she is invited too.. so essentially I dont get to be invited to any family gatherings that involve have of my children and their families.. I cried when I read this article.

  9. Jill says:

    To all of the adult children that went ‘no contact’ with their parents over PETTY reasons: This will come back to you one day in SPADES…guaranteed. Remember that.

    • Sara says:

      You seem almost gleeful at the idea of these adult children “suffering“ similarly to how these parents claim to have themselves. Very odd.

    • J. Rice says:

      It won’t you know. And even thinking it will is unhealthy. What goes around does not come around. Not the good. Not the bad. Life, eh?

  10. Bret Stevens says:

    Its simple. If your adult children abandon you, its cause you F’d up. As a son who refuses to speak with his mother, I can attest its because you screwed it up. For whatever reason.

    • Deedee says:

      Why can’t you forgive your mother? Life is way too short. What could she have done to destroy your relationship?

      • Kris says:

        Forgiveness requires repentance. You can’t forgive someone that isn’t sorry or willing to make amends and restitution.

        • Connie says:

          Bret and Kris, you are little gods now? Forgiveness from the Living God of the Bible, not forgiveness from you, requires repentance. He commands us to forgive everyone who has trespassed against us period, end of debate. If we don’t, we ourselves are not forgiven for our sins and our eternity in heaven is in jeopardy. If you have a problem with this, take it up with Him. I encourage you to do so.

          I also was an abused child. But honestly the arrogance of the wounded children in this thread is off the charts. Did you never, ever cause your parents grief? Did they divorce you for it? Clearly not. It’s time to grow up now.

    • J. Rice says:

      Wrong blog. Poor non-victim.

      Mr. Briggs: You moderate your own website here. Please remove and do not allow yet another space for offspring “victims” to vent. There are countless places on the internet for that sort of thing, and perhaps two? where a parent can try to figure out how to cope. Also, the “I was a saint-parent” line, everyone can and should be able to live without. “I gave my son(s), daughter(s) everything.” Please. Don’t promote it by allowing it.

    • Lynn says:

      No that’s not always the case. Sometimes, children are selfish and entitled, only caring about themselves.

    • Meg says:

      But people screw up! It’s a fact of life!!!

      Only age, hanging in there (unless truly toxic….careful treading here as no one is perfect-that word bandied around too much in these circles).

      That’s one of the biggest, most humbling lessons I learned deeply loving raising my own daughter….is that unfortunately parents are all too human. When we raise a child unfortunately all our unresolved issues come up here and there….it’s part of continuing to grow. We MUST learn, someday are parents are only grown up children and are very capable-at least some-when everyone now an adult-can get real and talk about their flaws, regret over certain decisions (there is no handbook)….and lovingly move forward.

      Try to be open-minded. Perhaps discuss with a therapist your difficulties, what different attachment styles going on (huge), are they open to joining a session, are they open to uncovering some of this with you and move towards healing.

      It may sound meh-I’ve found to be profoundly true….Too err is human, to forgive-divine.








  12. Milly says:

    I originally posted that my brothers refused to have anything to do with our father, while still on good terms with our mother (parents are married).

    Since then I have gone no contact with both our parents for the way they continued to treat my husband with hatred despite us being married 2 decades and providing them their only grandchildren. My husband has a terminal illness (3 yrs pife expectancy) and my parents began to treat him even more horribly while I would be gone on the road (sales trips) trying to provide for my family. My mom basically told him that everything he (my husband) ever worked for would be hers upon his death. WTF!!?? That’s when I realized that they had me wrapped around their fingers. I was always helping them at a moment’s notice, giving them things, giving them food, bailing them out of financial crisis. I have not had any contact with them in a year. COVID has this simple. I have so much more contentment. I realized through much studying that they both suffer with NPD. But that is not my burden to bear. I am ashamed that I did not recognize their control for all these years.

    • Erika S says:

      Hi, what courage it takes to realize your parents have NPD. Thank you for sharing this experience. I also am a DONM. Its hard to realize youve been giving your life force to someone else and to change it is even harder. Hang in there and know you’re not alone. The above article pretty much gives a pass to any and all parents who dont hit their kids. Emotional damage is as bad as physical and in some ways worse since its invisible. There is a societal feeling of entitlement and being owed contact by your kids no matter your actions and no self reflection. The shame of going no contact is mostly put on the kids as outlined above. Its unfortunate. But again, you are not alone. Stay strong against narcissistic abuse!

    • deb says:

      i was kidnapped from my mother when i was 10mths old along with my brother in 1967, needless to say, this is not an easy story to share nor write nor enough space much less do i know if sharing will help. So i will comment on all the storys iv read so far. Human beings can be ever so cruel. Returning to our original light is the first and foremost advise id give anyone here because within that means you are worthy of your own love and support and no one should have to go through this alone, ever, yet we do, because it takes someone truly gifted and special to take someone by the hand literally because that is who we are, we are not cruel by nature, we just dont understand the relationship between things as many in the healing arts do say. What that has to do with us and our healing i should know very well. Iv had to walk myself through this my entire life alone and just now am putting the pieces of the puzzle together in me. I feel like i have something to offer each and everyone of you in compassion, empathy and love. I as well know i have that to offer. I will return to this site after much silence then deep meditation because i understand, i know, and i care but im tired and accidentally found this site and wish to be at my best to address some very deep issues that will put no one down nor hurt anyone but uplift you to your highest calling and your highest light and healing. It is a process. And it takes attention to the root. Blessings . what grace you have showered upon my being to have filled this space with you. The best thing you can do is love yourself, no one is worthy of your love more than you are, and it is normal to love your children and want to see them always, so rest assured there is more right with you than ever wrong.

  13. Valerie H says:

    It really does help to know we are not alone. Our son, now 39, married with 2 little boys, suddenly decided last October that he never wanted to see us or speak to us again. Up until June of 2018, we were getting along fine. We were babysitting and having dinners together, etc. My parents both have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I’ve had my issues with them but none of it had to do with our sons. We have an older son, 41, that we have a pretty great relationship with. So my parents insisted that our 39 year old son and family fly back east to visit. I knew this was going to be a problem since my parents are very toxic and manipulative. But they had to manipulate and brainwash and when the family came home, things were so different with them. We were “put off” from get togethers and not allowed to see the grandsons. We called our son and asked what was going on and he said that he was just really busy at work and we’d get to visit “some time”. This went on for months and we kept getting put off. Last October, after texting him and asking when we could visit or have them over for dinner, he said they wouldn’t be coming for Christmas that year and that his wife had sent us an email and we were to “read it”. Her email was very strange and she said that we were not to contact them in any way, shape or form and that if we did write or call, they would not read the email, letter or text and would toss any letters. We could, however, give our grandsons their Christmas gifts and they would be “willing” to bring the boys over for that but would not discuss anything else. She said that “sometime down the road” we would be allowed to see the grandsons but only if they, the parents were there. Insulting! I always got along with my daughter in law so this was like a slap in the face. They gave the reason for the “break up” . It was, they said, because we did not go to my NPD step-father’s funeral and that we were not supportive of their loss. If any of you have been in an NPD relationship, you know what I am talking about. We are convinced that my parents turned our son and daughter in law against us and caused this to happen. I had gone “grey rock” with my parents 10 years ago and my parents were infuriated with me. They involved my son and his wife, I have proof of it, and because we didn’t attend his funeral in Dec. 2018, we are now being shunned. NPD is a horrible disorder and they destroy relationships. My stepfather got even with us. Our son refuses to talk to us to try to resolve it. We’ve tried with absolutely no response. Our oldest son still talks to us and we do not and will not put him in the middle. That happened to me when I was growing up and I refuse to do it to him. I have now gone no contact with my mother because she continues to berate me through letters and then flip flops and tells me that she love, love, love, loves me so much. I am done with her. But as I told my son before he stopped talking to us, it had nothing to do with him. She brought him into it, I did not and would never. Thanks for listening.

  14. Me says:

    Yes, I disowned my father. He abandonned me when I was in my mother’s womb. He lived in the same small town, off and on. He never provided for me finacially, He never came to visit me. He did get with women who had children and provided for them. My mother was an alcoholic, she was no picnic to live with. She had no job, she lived off of welfare. Sit on her butt all day reading romance novels, watching soaps and game shows. Dinner was not on a regular basis, just when she felt like cooking, which was not often. I had to fend for myself. She was an embarrassment to me. I do not like my mother or my father. They are very two selfish people. Parents who are whining because your kids disown you. Have you really taken a look at the past to see what you done to push your kids away.

    • Ally says:

      Yeah this article just reeks of bias. Someone doesn’t want to acknowledge all the horrible things they did to make a child choose to not speak to their main caregivers. So sad

      • Norma says:

        Such a sad condemnation. You have no idea…this truly happens to loving parents who only did their best and are left heartbroken.

        • Margaret says:

          Yes Norma you Are so right the loving and the careing and all the beautiful memories do they just Throw them in the trash.well myself and My husband of 28 years havent,
          13years ago he took a brain hemerage and My goal was to keep My family together so i brought him home and our daughter of nine then was so happy we went out With him in his Wheeling choir paralized but you Know what we were a family, and i was so proud that i could take care of Both of them,
          When our daughter was twenty she came home packed left for a Guy and its been one year when i write she replies what the hell do i want.
          I did meet her but when she had told me her boyfriends dad had been in prision and he had a rekord.for ten years i didnt want anyone like that in My home he also had been in gangs, Why i say a lovely girl attracted to this type of life she had IT all.
          My wish is someday he Will go she Will grow up,
          But for now time heals and im being good to myself and My husband as he needs me, she wont hurt us anymore im looking at the flowers in a different way, and fixing the Room she had as mine the way i wanted her to but she had no respect their abbused IT,
          Im findkng out who i am again twenty years is a long time from My life loving and worrying about our children. They do move away anyway and marry etc,
          How i Will ever formgivet her i dont no IF i can i think its because would a child just leave her Sick dad , its Cruel and disrespectful.
          Im hoppingivande all you mums and dads who Are hurtig hold on you Will get through this because we dont deserve IT, we deserve to be happy. Keep safe everyone, and i wish everyone well.

        • Chel says:

          That’s my situation. I based every decision on their well being every step of the way. I worked, went without, gave them respect for education, encouraged them, they had a cooked meal every day, and plenty of food for lunch. One of them had an overseas trip, the other didn’t want to go. We weren’t well off, but what I couldn’t provide my family made up for. They have turned and it all began about 6 years ago when their father bought them a vehicle each. After inadvertently letting them shred my personal life and still enduring their wrath I have drawn the line. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you realise the laughs and excitement of being together as a family again will not ever really be the same, and I just can’t keep pretending it will happen again. Writing in tears.

      • Nila says:

        To the abused kids out there, while this article might not address that, I think society knows it’s sometimes necessary to break the ties or set boundaries. I grew up with one of the most toxic narcissists. He opted to live far after the divorce, and it was hard to be in touch. A narcissist has a strong hold on a child though, and despite my best attempts, he controlled and still affects me even while not on this earth. So, I guess I’m saying I feel you to the kids who have to at least put the brakes on.

        However, this article speaks to an audience of parents, who blames themselves, who tried the best they could, know that they weren’t perfect, and are in shock. I can’t share, but I wanted to end my life after this happened. My childhood was hard, an abusive father with NPD and violent alcoholic. I still loved them, but it was hard. I tried so hard even disabled to provide security and safety that I never felt. I had Lyme and a lot of autimmune issues. I wasn’t perfect, but I know I didn’t deserve what I got. Still, I am here trying not to to want my life to end. I have a daughter who needs me. To the kids who think it’s just the parents, please try to understand that we care about your loss as children. We don’t mean to put you into a category as the ones who just left (and it feels like a death or worse). We just feel so heartbroken and want to know what we did or what happened. I’m crushed, so please try to be kind. I feel I tried to understand both sides, especially as a child who endured a lot myself.

      • Yahkema says:

        There are some parents that are just horrible to their children and don’t deserve contact with the child. No parent is perfect and we all make bad choices with our kids or say or do something to our children because we are human. That is not the same as abusing a child or neglecting them the Bible speaks on a child respecting his parents and obeying them but I differ with the bible if a child is being abused. If a parent did not care about the child their astrangement would not matter to them there would be no hurt or shame the parent would say good riddance to that child and forget about them but when a parent really don’t understand what they did to turn a child against them and that child refuses to sit down and discuss the reasons and they just perfer to hold the reason over the parents head and cause them pain that is pure evil and some kids do this to their parents and the pain and confusion is very real.

    • Meg says:

      I do look at my part often. Unfriend I feel real abuse/trauma my daughter suffered at the hands of her father growing up ricocheted back to me as well.

      I also had many unfortunate illness as well as a traumatic auto accident affect me for three years. So after her dad lost all physical custody due to a trip I took daughter to ER, it was single mom, single female young teen-bad combination I had no control, and little support (saw a therapist weekly for years during this time).

      I got a bit lost how to raise a difficult teenager (just like myself)-making sure we both had quality foods, extracurricular, best school, etc took all I had.

      20/20 hindsight-if I could do parts of her teen years differently-I would.
      So I RESPECT my daughter needing to separate out, claim her own identity, forge it, etc. if that’s what she needs to recover, I take my hat off.

      What I don’t get is I’m a very open, compassionate, easy to hear grievances (if spoken respectfully), and I have done some of this when she still spoke to me.

      I don’t get that piece-if a parent willing to listen, has grown, has realistic expectations….why the stone wall boundaries? I don’t get that at all.

  15. Janice says:

    My brother dis owned both our parents and myself ( his sister) for reasons unknown. This went on for years upon years and both my parents ended up passing away never being able to say goodbye to their only son. I was my parents caregiver when they were to old to care for themselves and it broke my heart watching them go through that. They both tried so very hard to make amends with him and his wife all to no avail. It is my opinion that it all has to do with his controlling and manipulative wife. Years ago she was arrested for embezzling money from the high school their two daughters went to. He waiting for her to get out of jail and refused to leave her. She never let him talk on the phone to me or ours parents unless was in on the conversation. When he did anything that went against her wants she would holler and scream and make life miserable for my brother. It’s like he had gotten caught up in a cult and his wife is the leader. He has been brainwashed. I’ve came to the conclusion that I too will go to my grave not ever being able to speak to my brother. As of now it’s been 20 years or more since I have seen or spoke with my older brother, I miss him so very much, and it hurts me as much as it hurt my parents.

    • Dan says:

      May ,at last , new generations of parents understand that the proper way to raise children is doing so while knowing they can lose them later in life. One day at the time folks.

    • Deborah S says:

      I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. My son stopped talking to me because of his narc wife. When he first started dating her he would come visit and say how much he loved me. She would get so jealous and tell him he couldn’t have contact. She is pregnant now. I was not told my other son told me. I’m deeply hurt and find it hard to function. I do not want my Grandchild to grow up in a dysfunctional family. Not allowing the baby to see the Grandmother is abuse the child is innocent. All children need consistent love from everyone in the family. I feel so sad. I’m continuing to ask God for His help. This article was helpful my son has reactive attachment as well. I’ve tried to help my son heal from that disorder but the more you love them the more they push back with negative behaviors. Him and his wife together are very dysfunctional. I’m going to go to court and ask for Grandparent visitation. Hope you are hanging in there.

  16. Susan C says:

    This is the first article I read that helps me understand I am not alone. I do get on with my life and fill it as best I can with connections and positive activities, but none of that takes away my grief. I have a son who lives close to me in housing for the severely mentally ill. I am the primary person in his life. The other two sons are across the country and I wonder if that is part of what they are running from. But it doesn’t help to speculate. Anyway, I ran across your article after yet another morning waking up and feeling grief and pain knowing my two sons wouldn’t know if I was alive or dead. In this void I also worry hoping they are okay and happy. No reaching out has helped. Intellectually, I could pull out possible reasons to fill the void, but they wouldn’t be real reasons. In the most profound sense I have a sense of certainty that because I did not have a good childhood I was going to raise my children differently and I did with love and respect mostly as a single parent. I’m sure I made mistakes but that certainty of my genuine love and respect was always there. Now I have three grandchildren and it seems likely I will not have an opportunity to know them.

    • Marcy says:

      My parents had been married for 30yrs, so my entire childhood I grew up with an emotionally abusive and un engaged father, they divorced when I was 19 because my father was the ultimate cliche, he was sleeping with the younger secretary, and left my mom to be with her. I met the secretary 2 months after the divorce was finalized, and on the day I was introduced, I was also told they were getting married. I tried to be a part of the family, it was humiliating to try so hard and be rejected, while I listened to my stepmother call my mother who comes from Japan “Ivana Chopsuey”, and the day she told how funny it was that the running joke at my dad’s work when they were still having an affair was who he was gonna bring to the Christmas party. Hysterical huh? She had 3 kids, and i would be scolded if I said something like “do you know where my dad is?” Instead of saying “do you know where our dad is?” I begged my dad to spend time with me, I even called my stepmother mom to try and get closer. This all stopped when I was 36yrs old, I am 38now, I was done begging and humiliating myself just to get to have lunch with my dad. He told me he couldn’t have an exclusive relationship with me, and couldn’t spend any time alone with me because his wife would get mad. My father has never spent any quality time with his 4 grandkids, but showers his stepchildrens kids with all the love and attention in the world. So yes, after 20+ years of this I walked away. I’m sorry, but after all that, I don’t see my behavior as unspeakable. I can only call/text so many times with no answer, and I cant force my dad to spend time with me, but, thats all I ever wanted, was just a little time.

  17. Corinne says:

    my 30 year old daughter hrts my feelings and brakes my heart I have ptsd she moved out 12 years mad her own family and blames me for not being there for her when I didn’t no myself who I was . my son died 20 years ago. she was the 10. but only in the past 4 years she turned against me.I’ve got to build full grandchildren witch I adore.it’s not fair.

    • LP says:

      While it may not seem fair, to her it is justifiable. As a 10-year old she lost not only her brother, but it sounds like her mother as well. As adults, we can look back and see that perhaps our parents were in trouble themselves and needed some sort of “help”, but it usually happens after we’ve experienced a similar ordeal. I wasn’t fully there for my children and should have left a co-dependent relationship, but I didn’t and now, as my children are becoming adults I see the fruits of my ill labor. One is a recovering heroin addict, two have symptoms of PTSD, anger and rage. Two have gone on to get married and have loving extended families. They are all distancing themselves from me and my alcoholic husband to better their own lives. They are doing what I should have done many, many years ago. I hurt them emotionally, though at the time I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances and maybe I did, but that doesn’t stop the emotional pain inflicted on the children. I have grieved their leaving as I would a death, but I see them leading healthier lives and that makes me happy. Our children don’t belong to us, we are entrusted with them, and to that end I failed. I didn’t keep them safe from the effects of alcohol abuse as I wasn’t kept safe either coming from an emotionally abusive household. I’m hoping that in this day and age when secrets are better not kept, that they heal and break the cycle. Don’t hold on to your hurt, leave the door open and she may come around.

  18. Janice says:

    My story continues.I’m the one who’s husband, and kids left me for dead. I left to the east coast to take a job. I was gone three years. I came back to the state where my ex and I were living. He is being so vindictive! He choose to use the county court system where we both reside now to further punish me! Making me feel like such a fool! My ex and my daughter perjured themselves against me in the court room, and on the stand! I couldn’t believe my life could get any worse, but my ex-husband and my own daughter found a way! I have no idea what I have done wrong! My only thought is that I didn’t die, and ruined their plans.

  19. Janice says:

    I have no idea to this day (3/31/20 ) why my husband and our two kids left me for dead. I fell into a coma in our living room on our living room love seat. When I awoke I called work to confirm my days and hours. I was told over the phone by a woman from work that it was no longer Thursday (the day I laid down for that nap). It was MONDAY 4 days later! I lost my job for not calling in sick! I couldn’t I was in a coma!. I was so in love with my husband, family , and felt too ashamed that the three people I love most in the world left me for dead. They walked passed me for several days waiting for me to die.

    I was too ashamed, and in shock! I didn’t reported it to the police, and when they all came home I just went on as if nothing happened. I subsequently divorced my husband when our son was 23 and our daughter turning 21. I divorced him in 2011, I couldn’t take his verbal abuse, and his cruel behavior anymore. Our kids will have nothing to do with me since the divorce. I needed closure, so I reported the incident to the police. In the private box on Facebook I asked my son in 2013 what happened back then. He replied ” mom I’m not ready to communicate to you about what happened” Then my son unfriended me. I asked my daughter in 2015 she replied ” Mom I don’t remember what happened” I said but sweetheart I lost my job. She snapped back “you weren’t working! ” I’ve tried everything to reconnect! All that’s been suggested to do, and to no avail! I love my children unconditionally! I feel as if I’m living a nightmare in hell! I miss, and love them so much!

    • Janice J says:

      I am having a hard time understanding this. You laid on the couch for 4 days not eating drinking or using the restroom? What caused you to go into a coma? Sorry but something doesn’t sound right here.

  20. Anonymous says:

    I’m a 27 year old Male and I’m just starting to make slow progress with reconnecting with close family.

    I left my parents and younger brother when I was 19 and didnt talk to them or any family member for six nearly seven years. To this day I still have trouble explaining to myself why I never wanted to see them again. I don’t even remember how old I was (maybe 13) when I decided I was gonna move out and never talk to any of them again. I know I just wanted to be independent but there was also an unexplainable hatred towards them for no reason. They weren’t the perfect parents but they never treated me wrong and raised me well. I just think our communication was poor. To this day I think there’s something wrong with me. I’m spiteful and hate small talk with strangers and my parents and family all started to feel like strangers who didn’t know me. But I felt like I could predict their every action and their loving words felt faked even though they were genuine. They repulsed me for no explainable reason.

    Years down the line I thought I could forget them but that is impossible. You can never truly forget the ones that raised you. My guilt persuaded me to call them almost 7 years later and I will say my communication with them is still not the best. It’s very hard to talk with them for too long but I feel better about myself for trying more and more. I still have trouble picking up the phone when they call. I wish someone could explain it to me because I sound crazy and cant explain it to myself. I still dont feel like I will ever love them as people but I know I felt bad for them and feel better for my own conscious that I’m making a small effort.

    • X says:

      I feel bad no one has answered. I don’t have an explanation for you but the first thoughts are attachment issues and/or you simply didn’t connect to them and had to carve your own path. A good book to read is “Into the Wild“ by Jon Krakauer. He has a specific message at the end of the book.

    • Shirley W says:

      Hi Anonymous, I remember being just like you when I was younger. I remember being angry that I could see my Mom getting older and being angry because I used to see people as weak or strong. The weak ones made me angry constantly and the strong ones, I hated too, for oppressing me. Once I got older and could look from the outside, I realized that there was Borderline Personality Disorder on my Moms side. She was never consistent in her behavior and that is why I put up the “angry wall,” and the detached feeling came from a self preservation coping mechanism. When you have parents that are kind one minute, then vicious the next, you learn to detach. Since we all share the same genes, I noticed that I am the same way, kinda detached, I don’t feel like I can bond very strongly with anyone and I really don’t care anymore, one way or another, about most members of my family, mainly because of the uncaring, cruel and inconsistent personalities. It has worn thin with me. However, I did begin taking anti-depressants a few years ago and the difference was like light and day. It felt like the sun just started shining, the angst was gone and edgy anxious behavior and detached feelings went away. So, in a nutshell, I too, suffered from depression or anxiety but never realized it until it was medically necessary to take anti-depressants for a short term. I will never go another day without them because I don’t want to ever feel like I used to. It didnt change the fact that so many family members really are jerks, but I learned to be more attached to people who care about me. It feels good to have a loving heart. How can you understand and empathize with your Mom and Dad if your brain chemistry is out of whack? You sound like a very smart person looking for answers and I do hope you find them. Sometimes its no one’s fault but Mother Natures. Take care of yourself.

    • Momof2 says:

      Tears are streaming down my face. I have no answers for you, I’m so sorry, but your story gives me hope that my 25 year old son may one day pick up a phone and call me. I believe he feels exactly how you do and I have no idea why. Like you, he grew up in a stable/happy/loving home but for some reason didn’t feel it. He left 5 years ago and I (or anyone else in the family) haven’t heard a word from him. Nothing. I don’t even know if he’s alive – he didn’t have a phone or social media. I sure hope you’re able to get the answers you need and I really commend you for taking those steps in reaching out to your family. Blessings to you.

    • WhoHa says:

      It’s a spiritual thing. This is a spiritual epidemic like Covid 19, etc… It’s part of the hellish realm we’re living in, except hell is getting hotter. If you’re a believer, prayer can help.

  21. Ivi says:

    My daughter is 23 year old she not talk to me at all , I had her at 17 year old went to school and had to jobs, when I was 23 I started going to church with her I raised with a lot love and support I put her the school she is a register nurse with a bachelor, and now she wants nothing to do with me.

    • Denise Johnson says:

      It’s very painful when we’ve sacrificed so much for our children and they turn around and abandon us. You were not dealt a fair handshake in life but you gave because you have the capacity to love beyond measure. I’m going through something similar but try not to live in the depths of despair. Be good to yourself, value and appreciate you for the kind and loving woman you are. Our kids are trying to deal with adulthood matters and unless you’re a fly on the wall you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to understand them.

  22. Brian C. says:

    My boys are 17 and 22. Both are proving to be very selfish. They didn’t get that from me. They had no problem taking money from me when they needed it. Had not problem asking me to intervene with their mother when they didn’t get what they wanted. Didn’t help that their mom would routinely do their homework for them and let them get away with crap that they shouldn’t have. She bought them lock, stock and barrel. Some people tell me to put up a wall to keep out the hurt. Some people tell me to forget them and move on. Some people tell me to pray and with time my kids will return. I find myself doing little pieces of all of the above. If they would just text me back when I say hi, I’d be ok. They can’t even do that! I swear child support payments should come with stipulations and requirements that bind ALL sides to certain responsibilities.

    • Rob says:

      I partially get your point-I felt like a bank. Kids were cordial, approachable, etc. when they wanted money.
      Feel certain the ex turned them against me over a long period.
      Words of coping. Sounds harsh but until it changes, they are dead to you. Crazy talk-not so much. You must preserve yourself in every way. Should they snap out of it you can always resurrect it-you go nuts if you don’t !

  23. Prefer to be anonymous, angry mother may read says:

    Well if you asked my parents they would say they don’t do anything wrong. However, they are constantly hostile and angry, berate me and my children if we hold a viewpoint other than theirs, send us pointed messages to drive home their philosophies, oh yeah, and when I tiptoe and politely ask that they not, bam angry texts. I’ve been texted F you idiot in the past. Today, when I very politely asked my mom to have my father stop sending political things to my kids because they find it off putting, she said so be it. I was trying to help them realize why they don’t have much of a relationship with any of us. I’m over it, my father is a narcissistic tyrant, and my mother a manipulative, angry, borderline codependent. You can’t have a relationship with people afflicted with those issues.

    • Juliane says:

      You hateful adult children have no respect for your parents. How dare you put the people down who have raised you. Unless you have documentation of actual abuse there is no justification for your behavior. READ THE BIBLE.

      • Kyle says:

        Dear Juliane: When the parents are hateful and have no respect for the kids, perhaps the parents are being controlled by a Jezebel spirit. In narcissistic personality disorder, it’s a kindred spirit to sociopaths and psychopaths. In brain scans, the part of the brain which governs empathic feelings are very underactive in the brains of narcissists. To grow up with these kinds of people, whether they are parents or other, is like growing up with a demonic force that wants to destroy you on a soul level. Some have ended up committing suicide because of the abuse. “Prefer to be anonymous” said nothing disrespectful about their parents, and tried to be respectful in their dealings with them, but the parent ignored the wishes of their adult children. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder, and have no clue as to the dynamics in which the children were raised. As with a narcissist, they lack the ability to have empathy and they blame the victim, just like your response. Judge not what goes on behind closed doors. The Bible doesn’t want us to associate with people who generate evil, yet you blame the writer for wanting to get away from them. My mother says, ‘”Family member” is nothing more than a title”‘; I disagree, but can you see what I mean, some parents aren’t very empathetic and are emotionally distant, and some will even practically try to tear your spirit apart from even the simplest things, like respectfully agreeing to disagree on a particular subject, for example. Juliane, God knows that sometimes adult children have to escape their parents who try to destroy any God connection that the child has in their soul. I think you’re lacking in insight in this particular matter. Your ego-based judgmental demand for human or written documentation is crap, because God knows and documents, and that is enough.

        • Kyle says:

          I need to correct and clarify my comment – When I stated “Judge not what goes on behind closed doors”, I meant that things can happen privately that one knows nothing about, but they judge the situation based on what is only seen on the surface. Things that go on behind closed doors DO matter. Thank you.

    • Reade says:

      Your situation sounds pretty rugged. There is a difference between a parent abusing a child and a parent falsely accused of same. If there is good reason to disconnect from your parents (like getting away from constant abuse), do it.

    • Sjb says:

      Agree. I just yesterday disowned my family. I literally have nothing left to give. My mom is the biggest problem. Im done. And I’m at the point where I feel so depleted that I don’t care if I lose my dad or brother either. I’m 39 years old and I literally have nothing left to give. I’m so emotionally drained right now.

      This article is aimed at feeling sorry for a mom. It’s disingenuous. She doesn’t get it. My parents don’t get it either. And that’s fine. Doubt my brother does either. But to protect myself I have to do this. Call it selfish, call it what you will. Maybe it is. But honestly I have nothing left to give.

  24. AJ says:

    I divorced my husband in 2010 and remarried later that year.
    My 2 adult children had already left home at that time so it was just me and the future ex at home.
    I realise that it came as a shock to my children that I had started divorce proceedings but I wanted them not to have to take sides in a messy divorce. Neither of them were in weekly contact with us. Daughter had moved to live with boyfriend who was and is a control freak and I believe he made sure that she was ‘so involved’ with his life and family she didnt have time for her parents. Son had started up a business and was totally involved in that. But I do realise both of the children could have said hey I need to check mum/dad are ok. (They do have minds of their own) but they chose not to.I apologised if I had hurt or upset them regarding the divorce. Its now over 15years since I saw my son and over 12 since I saw my daughter. I have tried to meet up with them but they both refused. I have sent cards at Christmas and Birthdays until this last year. Son never contacts me but daughter sends a text at my Birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day. All it says is the very bare minimum, no how are you mum. I send a thank you back and thats it again for another year. I have asked what I have done wrong without a reply.I have apologised for any hurt I caused regarding the divorce. Many hours are and have been spent wondering why things have turned out this way and yes it has made me ill at times. I really blame myself and yet I dont know why or what I have done wrong. Would it be wrong of me to just ignore my daughters basic texts? in some ways its like opening up wounds as they are healing and I am becoming more accepting of my life.

    • Ellie W says:

      I read your message, and wondered if I had written it while in a fugue state!!! It mirrors my situation so very much. At least I know the reason for my children’s abandonment of me, my ex truly played the victim, to Oscar award level. Never 2 sides to a story right? However, life goes on, I met and married someone else, and have built a new life with him. But… the hurt never truly goes, I sympathise with all you human parents out there, who are not perfect.

      • Chris C says:

        I caught my husband on a video camera at home on my daughter was one years old. I was devastated I cried all the time I still got up for work took my daughter to daycare and we had a puppy as well. I was my husband‘s third wife I should’ve known better. Anyways my little baby girl I Autumn was the one that kept me going I love her so much. She has no idea about airfare that her father did two and our family. I raised her till she was 13 now she’s 17 and graduating from high school and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I was and I am a great parent. Of course I’ve made mistakes but Parental alienation syndrome took over my life

  25. Jane M says:

    My son is hospitalized and it is breaking my heart that he wants nothing to do with me. This is mainly because of things an ex has said to him. It’s like he has forgotten all the wonderful times we had together while he was growing up. I have been reaching out but he does not respond. If he is in town and visits my daughter I already go see him to try to make connection again. His health is very bad right now but I am not welcomed. As a parent this is so hard, but I can’t make him want me.

    • Nada says:

      Forget the past and build a bright new future for yourself. Let your son in, if he approaches. If he doesn’t, it may be because he needs to build his own bright future. If you send good thoughts and well wishes, don’t expect anything in return. Don’t force it and don’t expect anything in return. Forgiveness from him is likely to take a long time. He will see the potential for wonderful times in the future, if you have wonderful times without him for the time being.

  26. Cindy says:

    I want to mention one more thing to that individual that said if your kids disown you it has to be because we were terrible parents. This phenomenon is new. No other generation has done this to their parents. Do you think that there wasn’t problems in our families? There was. I used to get really mad at my mom and dad. There were a couple times we took a short time out, but never disowned them. My philosophy , in terms of raising my child, was that her grandparents loved her, and no matter what issues we working through the more people loving her the better it was for her. I would never dream of depriving her of that valuable foundation and gift of love. Both sets of grandparents were always welcome in my home and in her life. I didn’t care if we didn’t get along, that was her relationship and an entirely different situation. That is unselfish real love. Yes,?she was my child, but first and foremost she belonged to God and my job was to provide love, stability, discipline (not beating or berating) – but discipline/guidance , and to be a good example as an adult! I did that. Now tell me again why I deserve this.

    • Anonymous says:

      In previous generations, people were more dependent on their families for immediate survival. Now, many people are able to forge their own way in the world. With this comes the realization that you can separate yourself from a toxic family dynamic and still get by in the world. Ideally, this should be having an improvement effect on family members’ behavior, as adult children are less likely to stick around and tolerate being mistreated or expected to fill emotional voids their parents never addressed for themselves.

      • Isla says:

        Wow, that’s cold. Very cold. My adoptive parents really did abuse me and neglect me by kicking me out at young age. Like taken away by police kinda abuse. I stuck up for my mom and brothers and my dad agrees now if someone would have made him go to therapy our childhood would have been better. They regret the things they did but still have little patience and hurt my feelings at times. I believe it’s the right & kind thing to support them anyway especially since my brothers have no backbones & wont speak up even when it’s for their own good.
        So when I had a child though alone, I was excited even though I was young & alone. I worked and loved her & tried to provide a safe loving home. We hiked, and went to the theater often and stayed up late doing art. I didn’t believe in guys spending the night for me because I saw that bringing men in and out of children’s lives as a nanny really hurt them. Other moms were jealous & would often put me down in front of her. She would think something was wrong with me for that even though her friends were always over enjoying food & crafts and such.
        I did have anxiety as a lot of terrible things happened to be being alone in the world. Though she said we were closer than any kids & parents she knew.
        Then her college roommate bullied her and was skipping school etc. The mom was jealous because we hugged a bunch before parting & put down her kid ( my kid’s roommate) in front of us.
        The next time my kid came home she was very depressed. Then she wanted to go to therapy, I said okay look it up on your insurance. When I took her to school that fall she didn’t want me to help her move in or be around the other parents. I should of anyway. Instead I respected her wishes even though I booked hotel room for weekend to go shopping with her. I was tired of being pushed away because of other people. She used to run, paint and write music when she was anxious as I taught her.
        Now she’s on psych drugs and hasn’t spoken to me or wanted even to spend holidays or anything with me.
        She uses that word toxic it’s a horrible word. She used to say I was better at handling big things than little things. True and she could tell me anything or do anything and I would still love her.
        I have been reading this article and comments it’s horrible how people treat one another.
        And it’s terrible to judge others. People’s judgement tore an otherwise great relationship apart. People would think I abused her because she good . Good grades kind to others etc. I just told her I would love her no matter what she decided to do. She was allowed to drink or do drugs so she didn’t. I did say I would put her drug dealer in jail though.
        I realize now that other women were envious and mean, because they wanted me to join their club. I also knew they went through terrible things with mates & family.
        I have been distraught and put myself in severe debt missing her. I’m supposed to be dating & trying new things. I don’t want to do anything…I feel like no matter how hard I try people’s judgment & projections of their own issues mess things up.
        Yep I did have an emotional void from my childhood. Now I have a bigger one. Having a kid didn’t ever fill that emotional void, I still felt sad that my parents being in a cult couldn’t support & Love is the way I would like.
        But though sad for who knows how long I won’t let that emotional void cause me to be hateful, abandon people, or stop believing in Grace. I hope you find that love & forgiveness is more rewarding that hatred.

      • Caroline says:

        Thank you for your words of understanding so in the here and now and honest .
        My daughter has rejected me after the birth of her daughter my grand daughter I was so excited about being a grand mother. Our relationship was very loving and sharing and normal.
        Unfortunately my daughter has a husband that uses toxic behaviours. My daughter is too close to see this. I am of course blamed.
        It is unspeakable and so very painful. Thank you for allowing me to share this devastating time. To loose a daughter that you love so much that is alive is so painful. I wish her and her baby all the happiness that life can give. XX

      • Yahkema says:

        Now that is a totally selfish outlook that is prevelent in the last three generations they were taugh by society to do as thou Wilt with no consequences for a child to take this attitude towards a parent I think that they have no conscious and is beyond selfish and I think society played the biggest part in childrens attitudes and when I say society I mean the music industry and Hollywood with the do what you want movies and anyone who encourages this kind of behavior in a child towards his parent unless that parent is an abuser or a pedophile or a Narcissists or have some mental disorder.

  27. Brad says:

    My two young adult girls (18 & 22) wont talk to me. Their mother in divorce after 22 years has been incredibly destructive sharing various communication between her and I in a contested divorce with my daughters…information that was either completely out of context or clearly packed with emotions at the time. As a result my Daughters wont talk to me or even acknowledge me in any way. I grieve every day with all the expected emotions of sadness and anger. It makes it nearly impossible to move on in my life with this big gaping hole in my heart. There seem to be so few resources out there to help us as abandoned parents. I am just so sad.

    • L. P. says:

      Please remember that though your children are 18,22. They’re not really adults yet. Keep trying. Don’t bash the ex and in time they’ll form their own decisions. Never give up hope. No matter how long.

    • ian j says:

      I have two kids, both now in their early 20’s. For the last 18 years I have suffered the classic parent alienation. Despite some hugely tough times and people telling me not to bother, I can put my hand on heart, I say I have done all I can to be an active, positive part of the kids life.
      But now longstory short, looks like I have lost the battle. Trying to combat ongoing manipulation from an ex is virtually impossible. Over the years she has tried to destroy me and the very sad thing, all in the name of spite. By the way she cheated on me which caused our divorce. Honestly though time would make things better but it hasn’t. Not seen my daughter now for 5 years and my son has decided to simply ‘call it a day’, as I had the gall to not be able to give him some money he wanted to go out with. Only time I heard from him over last year was exactly, just to ask for money, always promising to pay back, which never happened. I could go on and on but its not going to make any difference.
      So how do I feel? Cheated. Not in a sense of feeling sorry for myself but if feels I have had to constantly battle three ex’s within the children. I struggle to find how cold and clinical they can be. How they can so easily cut people out of their lives, unless they have something materialist to gain. Neither one has any contact with either set of grand parents for six years, which I constantly told them was wrong, no matter what rubbish their toxic mother had filled their heads with. The toxic mother as no contact with her own mother or siblings. On reflection should of seen it all coming. Honestly have little idea how to go forward with any relationship with kids as there is obviously zero respect.

      • Linda says:

        So Sad, my story is about the same as yours. My 3 daughter’s have been gone for over 20 years. Till this day my heart still hurts as I look back. I can go for a year without thinking of what I could have done wrong but it was like a light switch going off. Boom as each one turned 18 or didnt need us anymore poof they were gone. Now, I just live day to day like I never had children. The one thing I did stop saying, was that they were good kids. I know they were not perfect, I know I was not either. But I do no they had a good life. I know they all have jobs and don’t do drugs. So I do know I did something right. And truly after 20 + years, do I really know them at all.

      • Joy says:

        I have 4 adult children and 3 I have turned my back on as they hardly ever rang or contacted us unless they wanted some . We felt used and hurt so we decided to make a stand and get on with our own lives in our sixties. There is only so much pain you can go thru. It’s hard but much harder being ignored

        • Cy says:

          I feel for you i have two truly beautiful daughters,,my oldest, well today i txt her and told her that i was so over her constant denial of me being her mother and grandmother to her daughter and that i was done. Her answer,,ok Mind you two weeks ago i was taking her to work plus i gave her all of my best shoes, that are barely worn because i cannot wear them anymore. (Its called gettn rid of things that dont fit my life) lol. My youngest daughter, has for the past two years, been in a toxic relationship, and i was there for her in every way i cud possibly be. She has since been able to reconstruct her marriage, (thank god). I feel that at some points during this ordeal i was being used, but all is well, and she has never once abandoned our relationship. Somehow i feel that the oldest resented that i was helping her. I was always there for my oldest as i was for my youngest, never once missing a beat. And yet she will not come to my house, call me or let me see my granddaughter, btw she lives 3 blocks away from me . My youngest an hour away. Im taking the same route i will not let my oldest inflict that indescribable pain on my heart any longer. Im in my late 60s and i dont want or need this. And yes it hurts far beyond anything ive experienced, but like you said theres only so much pain you can take. So take care my friend and take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

        • Shelly says:

          Personally my thoughts are don’t leave nothing in your will for them. Donate everything to charity. Mothers birth children, labor pain, make sacrifices for them, clothe & feed them, kept a roof over their heads. Ungrateful adult children. It’s no excuse for them to disowned their parents. Some Mother’s abandoned their children. We kept our children through the tough time & good times. I can’t relive my life. What I know for sure I will leave everything to charity, mine will get absolutely zero. With his behavior telling me he doesn’t love me & he can’t ever make me believe he does. I am working on building a positive life for me, taking care of me & the goal is to put me first because I know he could care less about the pain he caused by abandoning me. I am learning to live me now & I am seeing a Psychotherapist. I wish you Mother simply the best.

  28. Cathy says:

    My husband and I had 3 children. The first 2 were typically developed. 4 years apart each. Our 3rd child is profoundly disabled. From the time he was born there were issues, health and behavioral, and developmental…I went 11 1/2 years with out regularly getting sleep due to his many issues. To get help with his care (line of sight, infant level for a lifetime) we were told to devorce or make him homeless. We ended up in court. Finally getting help, but the damage was done. I was exhausted beyond telling, our other 2 not sure how to deal with it all. My husband tried to keep calm and carry on but we are all very effected. So they just abandoned us. They care for no one in the family or our extended family. We still see, visit, go to church, have our disabled child over to visit. Even though not talking still managed to shows us more love and respect then our other 2. Yes, it’s hard but they have it easy compared to there profoundly disabled sibling. I find comfort in knowing that we brought them up in the way they should go. They are doing well in many respects. I have been allowed to mail our grandkids gifts by our oldest. But they will never know what sorrow they have given to me, or care it seems. I was a stay at home mom, cooking gluten free… due to Celiac Sprue, then our special needs child was gf, dairy free, egg free, soy free….in some respects we have lost all our children and then our grandkids too.

    I found the above article very helpful. Maybe my kids didn’t understand how hard it is to get help. Maybe they felt they could be abandoned, so they abandoned us first. We didn’t abandone their sibling but had to have help and had to take what was offered. (We ultimately had to trade custody for care). Then also our daughter in law manipulated and brain washed our kids. Then finally all the hidden trauma of the on going daily battle to survive the care and safety issues their siblings violent behavioral issues caused became to much. They felt they were out of control, we all did. It just took too long to get any real help.

  29. Nic says:

    Debbie, I just had this happen to me and I feel your pain. It literally came out of no where. My heart is broken but my story is almost identical.

  30. Nigel says:

    I’ll go against the grain here, I’m one of those awful people who has abandoned his mother and his sister
    My dad died via suicide when I was 13, I’m 54 now. My mum had a tough time, and I was given severe emotional blackmail by my mother for at least 8 years afterwards. I knew there was something wrong in the family dynamic, and I was also convinced it wasn’t my fault. I know that sounds arrogant but bear with me.
    Every time my mum and I were 1-on-1, it was a constant barrage of minor criticisms from her, nothing is ever really good enough. Having her in my house is/was a genuine ordeal. She criticises everything almost all the time. If I pull up her up on it, she then states she is “very proud” with how things have turned out. Within 15 minutes, she’s back on the case. Its like this ALL. DAY. LONG. If there is one other person in the room, then she is nicest, sweetest social person one could wish to meet. Within a few minutes of the other person leaving the room, she’s straight back on it. She has 3 grandsons, all over 24. Not one of them wants to be left in the room alone with her. 3 grandsons, not a problem, 2 grandsons, not a problem, 1 grandson, and he’s out of there as fast as possible. My sister tried long and hard to figure out why this is, and all 3 have a total code of silence.
    My mum is obsessed with money and status. She lies and lies and lies to defend her point of view. Then the next day, she will argue the opposite point because she can’t remember yesterday’s lies. Her sister is even worse in this respect.
    She hates my brother in law with a vengeance, and after a 2016 Christmas day morning from hell, criticising everything that’s wrong with my sister, her house and her husband, she then spent the rest of the day at the house stuffing her face with Christmas dinner that my brother in law made. She saw nothing wrong in this. I did, I haven’t spoke to her since.
    It’s taken 3 years of me seeing a psychologist and going back through the history of why’s and wherefores to realise I am dealing with a hard-core narcissist.
    My sister has been a drama rich environment for the last 40 years, with boyfriends, 2 ex-husbands, a full-on business, one son has been on drugs- thankfully no more. I have had phone call after phone call after phone call with my sister crying at the other end of the line not having a clue as to where to go next and pleading for advice. I offer advice, she never does any of it, and then asks for more advice the next weekend. After 3 decades of this, one has to wonder if this situation will ever improve. Most phone calls are at least 50 minutes of hard-core emotional download, then it’s a quick “and how are you?” … “ermm I’m Ok”, “oh that’s good to hear – got to go – bye”. So, my life doesn’t really matter then because I’m single, never married, have a decent job and look after myself? I know where I stand now, and it isn’t in their lives. I’m just there as an emotional whipping boy – Great. Contact has now finished.
    Please don’t assume this was a “flash in the pan” decision – it took me 5 years to finally act, considering what the fallout would be, and what would happen then and if I’d known it would have been this easy, I would have disappeared completely 30+ years ago.
    The incredible feeling of peace cannot be put into words.

    • JC says:

      What you are doing is wrong. The Bible says honor your parents. I’m sick of hearing about narcissism and toxic. Give your mother a call and ask how she is doing instead of bickering and arguing and trying to ruin the life of someone who cares deeply about you.

      • George says:

        No. Just because you are deciding to be a brainwashed sheep doesn’t mean anyone else has to. Many of us are finally standing up to and putting an end to cyclical abuse. There’s nothing you can say to change that. Reap what you sow. Take responsibility.

      • Todd says:

        You didn’t really hear anything that articulate and thoughtful man said. You are black and white in your thinking and only know how to react. Your response was unthinking and unfeeling. What about not judging someone until you have walked in their shoes? Somehow I am thinking the phrase probably pisses you off. Or what about judge not lest you be judged? How does that one grab you?

      • Jan says:

        You are wrong. You clearly have not read your Bible. Parents are instructed to love and respect their children and not to provoke anger in them which was clearly the case for me and many others. I gave them plenty of chances/warning before I said goodbye at the age of 58 to live my life peaceably.

        • Sophie says:

          A child deserves to be treated as well as a parent and vice versa. If there is an imbalance and one party feels more superior than the other, problems will happen. I would suggest that most parents or children don’t go ‘no contact’ unless they really have to and their health is at stake. It is a last resort. Obviously there are exceptions. I feel for you Jan and can totally relate. I had to distance myself from my parents many years ago, in my 30’s. I then reconnected 10 years ago thinking things had changed. Eight years on, I’m back in the same position with them damaging my life. Once again I’m breaking ties for my own mental health. Definitely a cause of being raised by two narcissistic parents with no empathy. This has impacted my life on so many levels. No one makes these decisions unless they are fighting for their survival. If you have been mind controlled by narcissists when you were growing up, separating from them is the most painful thing as the abused have been programmed to feel guilty and take all the blame. What ever your situation, wishing you all love and light x

      • Judy Johnsen says:

        This family sounds toxic, and sometimes one has to save oneself. That said, your family should get therapy. They probably won’t. You made the right decision.

  31. P. Smith says:

    My sister abandoned our family 15 years ago. We had a wonderful childhood with two devoted parents, who gave us lessons of every sort and college educations. We had family vacations, and my two sisters and I even took a few trips together. We were all pretty close. Then when my sister was 50 we all got a form letter from her, saying she was working through some life issues, and that she did not need input from her family. We left her alone and she never came back.
    When my mother was dying, mom asked me if “my sister was coming to see her”. It broke my heart. Friends of the family asked me where my sister was after my Mom’s memorial service. It was embarrassing to have to tell them that we had not heard from her in years.
    People ask about her and then ask me why she did this. I have no answer. It’s depressing and hurtful and I am upset that she did this to our Mom.

    Since our mother died four years ago, another sister wants nothing to do with me or our two brothers. We do get Christmas cards, however, she does not want us to visit or talk with any of us on the phone. This is another heartbreak for me. So now I have lost both parents and two sisters who want nothing to do with me.

    I think it is possible that this behavior runs in families. Just never thought that it would happen in mine.

    • L P says:

      I think I agree it could become a trait. I have a dysfunctional family and came from one as well. 6 kids who are scattered across the states. Our parents were the glue out of respect. Now that they’re gone so is the sibling relations.

  32. So sad says:

    This just happened to me recently. I just don’t understand. I personally don’t know a perfect parent. I also don’t know a perfect child. We are all doing the best that we can. My goal was to raise good, self-sufficient and respectful adults. All adults make mistakes whether you are a parent or a child but it is a form of emotional abuse to love your child for decades only to have them grab their things and go without looking back or communicating any problems that may have been able to be corrected. I don’t know if I should reach out or stay silent and wait. My fear is minutes go by that turn in to days and then weeks and months and years. I am so sorry for any parent going through this because I am heartbroken. No adult son or daughter should have to establish their independence and maturity by severing their parents with no communication ~ that, in my opinion, is a sign of immaturity, poor communication skills, disrespect and cruel. I just don’t know what to do, this just started for me and I am so confused and my heart is broken. I wanted my adult child to move out and establish an independent life. So often it’s not what someone does, it’s that way they do it. It upset me and I was clearly hurt and upset but it is okay to be hurt and upset. It doesn’t justify ‘no contact’. Again, I am so sorry for anyone going through this.

    • Bonnie says:

      I’m going through this my self after a marriage of 36 years. I’m blamed for it all. He is 36 years old getting married and loved to tell me he doesn’t want his new family to know me. He is going to have his first baby. Pain is unbearable. It all started when my x hubby beat me up because I forgot to turn the bathroom light out. My son can’t believe he did it. I CANT either. My hubby was a wonderful man until he had two strokes. He changed! Thanks for helping me vent.

    • Lisa says:

      I am new to this myself. I’m not the best parent out there by far I am learning that all I can do. Is give it to God And hope that my daughter is safe. I’m grateful for the time. She does come around or call but then it turns into. Do you have any money? And if I say I don’t have it then I hear everything I’ve ever done wrong or said. I’m grateful that my 15 year olds, and I have a decent relationship. But I fear that will end one day too.

    • Isla says:

      It is a sign of immaturity & poor communication skills, well said. And extremely selfish. I am sure you gave too much, and I hope that they come to realize that and reach out. My therapist said it’s a normal developmental phase. If that is what has become normal then normal needs to change.

  33. Lucy says:

    What is finally happening is that adult children are realising that they were not treated well as a child and a seperate human being and parents cannot get away with behaviours that are no longer acceptable. It is often an abuse of power of the parent over the child and at some point the child grows up becomes an adult and says hang on a minute. And the parent has the audacity to complain? Loving well nutured, well loved children don’t turn around and tell their parents to p*** off. Emotionally neglectful,emotionally unskilled parents, abusive parents are told to p*** off and rightly so.
    If you never bothered to create a secure attachment with your CHILD what the hell do you expect?

    • Angela says:

      Parents do the best they can. That may not be enough for some children born with certain congenital temperments ( look it up: congenital and temperment, Psych 101). Children’s temperments, (activity, energy, sensitivity, emotionality, etc.) instruct their parents how to raise them. It’s natural but wrong for children to blame parents for their unhappiness or lack of success in life, but parents have lived with that for millennia. Better to look at cohorts (peers) and genetics. This story is so old it’s amazing it never seems to sink in, with parents or children, despite the significant body of knowledge to support it…

      • Lucy says:

        Seriously, blaming peers and genetics. Come off it. Between bring born and the age of 3 years old is where the framework for the future of the kid is laid down. This is primarily done by the mother. If you don’t have a properly attuned mother who is too anxious/nervous etc (basically someone who can’t look beyond themselves) the child will interpret itself as being the problem.
        Now that knowledge is well researched. Check out Dan Sigel and Mary Ainsworth.

        • Diane says:

          Yeah, um, Lucy, for my Criminology degree, it required pretty extensive psychology classes. As a battered survivor who has raised my kids side I “curbed” their violent waste of a “father,” I also took training to council battered women. Might I introduce to you the nationwide Duluth Model and a book called “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” authored by Lundy Bancroft who was also instrumental in creating the Duluth Model utilized by the NCADV created after the PCADV. Further, depending on whomever’s development theories you prefer, personality traits are firm any time between 3 and 7.

          • Lucy says:

            I’ve read both those books. I stand that the majority of Achiltibuie development is achieved from 0-3.

    • Dad45 says:

      We honestly expect nothing from our children. Parenting is about love, with nothing expected in return. We loved and took care of our aging parents but now expect to be abandoned by ours, because this generation has better things to do. What did my family ever do for me they say. In truth, most of us are finally experiencing some peace in our lives once you egoistic, empathy-less little sh*ts, who we put up with for too many years, who haven’t a clue as to the nature of true love, are FINALLY gone from our lives. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass

      • Pam N says:

        I agree Dad 45.
        I was a young Mom at 17 ,not that skilled or educated and married an abusive 5 yrs older guy.I basically raised my 2 kids alone and went back to school and moved a fair amount.I had so much guilt for the life I put them through yet could not stand living with their father.Their father never helped in their upbringing Both of my adult kids tell me I guilt them when I feel like I’m being pushed out of the tribe.I had a very fragile relationship with my son when he was a youth.He was an angry soul and I had to ask him to leave at a young age.Now when I speak up about my feelings he basically tells me to shut up that I’m wrong and call him when I’ve thought about my problem with him and his sister.So i think you are very right and will let them both go,my life is getting shorter every day i need to focus on me now.They have made their choice nothing I can do or say to change it.Their loss, I loved them too much and allowed them to get away with behaviours to justify them being deprived of a family lifestyle.They both are like their Dad so I will now move on admfter today.Its all come clearer..Thanks Dad 45

    • Monica says:

      You are so misinformed and have some anger issues. Most of us did our best in a very hostile, unsupportive society. Your words are poison.

    • Alice D says:

      Yes!! Adult children are not always at fault. It does not mean something is emotionally wrong with the adult child because they choose to protect their peace.

    • Cindy says:

      Whatever happened to you as a child is horrible if that is behind your judgmental response. Not every adult child that abuses their parents and abandons them was abused as a child. I had my only child, my daughter, at age 22. Her father walked out on us before she was a year old and never supported her and years would go by before he even checked to see if she was okay. I adored her and although we were poor, I provided everything she needed and sacrificed everything I had for her up until she was nearly 40 yrs. old. She never lacked for love and attention. I never remarried so my focus was on making her life as happy and secure as humanly possible. She married and had two boys. I bonded with my beautiful grandsons ,who loved me dearly, and half the time would forget and call me mom by mistake. I never had a great deal of money, but everything I had including my home was sacrificed for her. She , her husband and my grandsons lived with me until recently. Finally, I could no longer tolerate the abuse from her and her husband. It cost me everything when I stood up for myself. They left and stole many of my belongings. Then they cut me off from my two grandsons. My great sin was telling them I wouldn’t put up with any more abuse. At one point my son in law actually threw me down on the cement in the parking lot of Olive Garden after I just treated the entire family to dinner to celebrate their marriage con validation. He was getting in my daughters face, and I got in between them to stop it. Keep in mind ,I’m a 58 yr old 110 lb woman with disabilities ( spinal injuries and a spinal surgery, fibromyalgia and lupus) He is a 230 lb law enforcement officer. She was mad at him at the time, but afterwards everything was forgiven and to be forgotten. I never posed any kind of threat to him. They are both verbally abusive and have gotten thousands of dollars from me to help support their family. If I had been so terrible why would they have asked me to get this big house so we could all live together? They left before I could sell it ,and the mortgage is so high I’ve lost everything. My other home was affordable. I only got this to help them out because they were having financial problems and my home wasn’t big enough or in the right school district. I was expected to never tell anyone it was my house (to protect their pride)and they refused to help me with chores. If I was so bad why not get the hell away from me earlier? Could it be they were using me? That is exactly what they’ve been doing for years. The leverage they use is those beautiful boys, who are my heart and soul. They punished me by using their own children , who love me and are bonded with me, to hurt me. It’s an unimaginable pain I wouldn’t wish on any human being. That wasn’t enough. While I’m forbidden to have contact she rolls out the red carpet for who she now calls dad and allows him to visit. This man molested her step sister and whenever he has had any contact with her he brings her to tears with his blatant crude insults. He also brought my grandson to tears. He didn’t even know the youngest ones name until he was almost 6 years old. He’s never done a thing for them! NOTHING! How do you blame someone like me for their cruel behavior? I’ve been on the brink of suicide and my heart is in thousands of pieces. I wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of sobbing and realize those sounds are coming from me. When you love that deeply, unselfishly, and completely unconditionally you don’t deserve someone telling you that YOU must have been a horrible parent. That’s a terrible thing to say about people you don’t know. I don’t know if you’re a parent, but I do know this much, you can do all the right things, bearing in mind that nobody is perfect – parents are no exception, but if you were a kind, decent and loving parent this can does happen, in spite of everything. As a parent , you aren’t responsible for all the DNA in that adult child nor are you the only source of all the information that influences the formation of what they chose as a value system. There comes a point you can no longer blame your mom or dad for your actions. In my generation , you never could. Our parents would not let you get away with that for a second. It’s on you when you’re an adult.

      • L.P. says:

        Bravo. From one enabler to another, glad you finally realize the scam. Terrible about the grandchildren, though. When they’ve matured, they may end up seeking you out. Have no regrets, but don’t fall prey again.

      • Helen says:

        God bless you, I know what your heart is going through.Not all of us abandoned parents we’re neglectful or abusive.We have always been there for our son,I don’t remember a day of my sons life where I didn’t praise him or tell him how much I loved him.He married a woman whom I found out after the separation was jealous of mine and my sons relationship,what woman would be jealous of her husband loving their mother? They gave me two beautiful grandchildren,when I laid eyes on my first grandchild my heart was so full I broke down in tears,my son later came to me later to tell me his wife didn’t understand why I was crying as she didn’t! Where the hell do you go with a comment like that,my husband and I were there for both of them in every way including signing on to their mortgage for them as they didn’t have sufficient credit,needed a babysitter we were there within minutes,short of cash due to a car accident and off work,we drained our savings and gave it to him,my youngest son was going through some mental health issues and they treated him like garbage,when I had the audacity to defend him that was the end of our relationship,I was later told by members of my family how when ever my son would hug me before leaving after a visit how my daughter in law would be giving me dirty looks behind my back or rolling her eyes,sometimes insecure woman need to sever ties of her husbands family to have control over him,she also did this with some of his friends,it’s not always as simple as “you must of been a bad parent”, it’s been ten yrs and I can’t move on with life,my heart is broken and life I’d empty without him,people tell me it is his loss but that does not heal my heart,I wish him nothing but love and happiness and don’t want anyone speaking ill of him

    • Jc says:

      Read the Bible. It say honor your father and mother. I’m sick of hearing adult children excuses of why they want to pick apart us parents. I did everything right. My daughter ran away and was rebellious, and I still tried to live her. Then she had my mother (74 yrs old) escorted off a campus for no reason. She doesn’t come to holidays and found a boyfriend and is telling lies about abuse that never happened. Quit arguing and sticking up for hateful cruel adult children. Find another cause.

    • Laura J says:

      You are just not registering are you? You are imagining that you know it all. Well you don’t. I loved my daughter deeply. Whatever she wanted I gave her, within reason of course. Her father and I treated her the same as our son, in fact more so, when she was in trouble we supported her and her and her broken romances, piling debts and fall outs with people. She started to turn against us from the age of twelve. My son on the other hand is loving and supportive and sees us regularly. My daughter has some sort of mental problem that has estranged her from us. She only phones me when she is in trouble or wants money. I think many adult children have this attitude as well. Loving parents must never blames themselves. Blame Satan instead, he seems to have stolen the hearts of our wayward adult children.

      • Lisa M. Gibson says:

        Laura, I so get everything you’re saying. I’m going through this with my 17 year old. I just don’t know what to do. So I have given it to God. I just pray things turn around but this world has got a hold on these young people. So different from when I was growing up. As of now I’m just grateful when she shows up or calls, even if it is for money.

        • George says:

          Take responsibility for your own failures. It’s not “the world” that has taken hold of young people, it’s a strong defensive skill set that abused kids have had to develop. If you had behaved like an adult in the first place, this would not be an issue.

        • Judy Johnsen says:

          At age 17 through the early 20s thi may be normal. Maybe these adult children are working hard at their job to get somewhere, and establishing themselves, their goiseholds, etc. Hopefully this changes as they get older.

    • Les Gold says:

      There are people who don’t appreciate much of anything. They don’t appreciate a sunset, a squirrel coming on your porch, a flower, or a mother. If someone does not appreciate me, I don’t want anything to do with them. One could tell them to appreciate a squirrel. But, they’d prefer to drown it and see it as bad. Instead of appreciating a deer, they would hunt and kill it. No parent is perfect, or even half good. But there is always something to appreciate about them, and
      everyone and everything. My thoughts to the parents on here are…Well, why do you care about your child disowning you? Have not friends, so called, done the same thing? Haven’t coworkers? Didn’t Judas betray Jesus? There are lots of people out there who will never appreciate or honor you. Your children are no exception to the rule….forget about them!

  34. Family Matters says:

    Sounds like a very much more complicated story here. You seem angry and defensive, in lashing out mode. You not seeing your mother protects your child exactly how? Suspect you might be trying to punish her by withholding your love -and presence in her life-, which may also be a pattern.

  35. Misty says:

    There has always a social stigma or perception to love your parents as they will one day not be around. For the most part, this is true. However, there is also a misconception that one should allow abuse simply because it’s coming from a parent. All mine had to do was discontinue saying horrible things about me to my child. She could not respect my boundary. The love and desire to protect my child was higher on my spectrum than to see my mother.
    Regardless, there are three sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. Stories are irrelevant, but patterns aren’t. Look at the common denominator. If most of your kids have “abandoned” you, it’s likely you that is the issue. Work on you then apologize. That’s all my mom has ever had to do. But she refuses. I can’t and don’t want to control her, but I can control the abusive people I allow in my life.

  36. Alease M. Davis says:

    This is now my experience with three of my five adult. My other two, Norman died, cancer st 19, he was a good one, he would not approve of his sibs, Jay my youngest at 30. These 3 are strangers and distance to me. Just this week #3 treated me like an inconvience and stupid. My one daughter I now realize never bonded with me but used me. I have felt like the other mothers. My worldview was children naturally loved thier mom. I loved mind, she had issures but I knew she loved me. My parents divorced, but they were civil. At 9 I just felt they didn’t like living together. It was what they did, so no big deal. Mom never said a bad word about, nor did he about her. I could see him. But my sib dif. Point being I felt no matter what family was always family. But the way they are has shocked me. Because I know me I have to find a way to put this in perspective, so I can start to have a life. I have been devistated for 3 yrs. At 79 I am miserable. My realization is I must and will dispose my old worldview and creat a
    truth for me, color them gone fact as they have me..it will not be simple or easy but the pattern is there. If you want to drive yourself cazy keep hoping. Noyhing will change and will spend what life I have left in stupidity…I am a survor….there fine and I will be to…there is no law that says one can not change, as the one constant in the universe….new world, I love to laugh, enjoy doing nice things for others, perfer not be alone but there is a big beautiful world out there plus getting old takes guts and a hell of a lot of laughter….I am at it…..with my fat cat and a great curiosity. WISH ME LUCK…..AS I WISH YOU THE SAME…color’d them gone……Smile it will fool the hell out u’m…jokeS on them they will be OLD someday, payback will be hell….80 here I come…..THIS ARTICAL and YOUR SHARING SET ME FREE….Thanks….Who the Hell do think they are any way…they get Global Warming, Trillions in debt, comets head this way, and someone just like them in the WH……ooops….lol….

    • Lucy says:

      Isn’t it your job to bond with your daughter, not the other way round. Isn’t it your job to teach?

      • Judy Johnsen says:

        I do think many or most parents try. But sometimes something happens. I don’t blame anyone, I hope it would get better if the parents and chdren got counseling/ therapy.

  37. Elizabeth B says:

    My youngest daughter has disowned me several times. This time I had to live in the same apartment complex for 2 years while I watched her come and go with her children I wasn’t allowed to see. The pain is brutal. Yesterday I watched her fill her vehicle up with her belongings and move out of state. I’ve never actually met my grandson. Its been the hardest 24 hours. I have been confused, bewildered, grief stricken. No reason given why she has such dislike for me. She was just done with me. The last time I interacted with her was at her daughters birthday party which I paid for. She left upset and it was over. Thank goodness I have 2 other adult children I am close to. She hurt them deeply also by rejecting them too. What sermed unforgivable with all of us is she tolerated if not embraced with her boyfriends family. I will never understand her and her ability to be so shallow and unloving towards the people who have loved and cherished her the most in life. It is like she has no concept of how special it is to have a family. She has never had anyone leave her or experience a loss. Maybe once she does she will understand how deeply a heart can be wounded. I find her actions vindictive and selfish and its shocking to me how far she has taken this. I do look back on how I raised her. I was always there for her, to a fault and I wonder if I overindulged her and created this lack of sensitivity in her. Am I disposable to her because she just never appreciated me? I loved my mother deeply and there were times my mother could not be there for me. I never wanted my children to experience this…I was raised in an era where there was a keen idea of loss, and how precious life is. I believe part of all this is because this generation was not exposed to people dying in wars, famine, disease.

  38. kathy says:

    i think its bunch of crap that some of you said that we as parents are to blame for this .and that our children should not be obligated to love us as their parents .maybe the word obligated might be to much of a word for it. so let’s use when you have a child and nurtured them , take care of them love them and do everything in your power to make the happy that they would want to be with us out of pure love . then they get older and just all the sudden for no reason just stop talking to you . and you ask beg and plea to them to tell you what have you done for them to behave so irrational against you like they are . it hurts very deeply .everyday, you rack your brain to try to figure out what have you done so bad to them for them to behave the way they do to you . you cant come up with one damn thing . my family and i got along great . my mother and i did as well. oh sure we had disagreements and we worked them out . we never stopped talking to our parents because of a disagreement or such .these kids now and days call us names such as a manipulator when in fact they are the true manipulator . they call us crazy why ? because we try every way in the world to get in touch with them because we love them, we miss them, even before the grandkids come along . and when there is grandkids in the mix it makes it even worse especially of us that have raised them until a certain age and then our kids decide to take them away and never speak to us again . we sit at home lonely on the holidays while they were with other family members that didn’t do a damn thing for them there whole life . they are even with their spouses family and they don’t seem to care that we sit at home alone ad so sad . its an epidemic that needs to be stop . for the sake of stopping a curse that could be carried on from generation to generation starting with our children and to their children and so on . it did not start with me or my mother or my grandmother or with my generation of folks ! but my daughter has simply showed her own daughters how to treat her when they get older . they see their mother ( our daughter) how they treat us so they grow up to think its ok to call their mothers names and to not see them on holidays and tell lies about your mother . so the ones that said anything different then to agree with this article does not know how bad it feels to do be done this way so i beg to differ with you all. this pain is real and it hurts everyday there is no closure for it. all we can do is hope pray that this will end one day soon .we want to spend time with our kids and grand kids ,.the grandkids are suffering from this dont they see that ?
    love and peace to you all
    thank god for your blessings
    anyhow for they will come back to you
    recently my daughter is making contact with me
    but i am very leary and so scared she will do it again just as she has done it to me many times before i keep hoping this time it will be forever she stays in my life . we can be a normal family for the rest of what life i have left on this earth
    blessings !! <3

    • Alexandrine says:

      Amen to you Kathy. Adult children feel they have to control your life and if you don’t abide by their rules they disown you. I was taught to respect your elders and parents. The millennium think they have all the answers but sadly mistaken they haven’t lived long enough to learn from their mistakes and learn how to forgive, have empathy, compassion, compromise, listen, be patient, be understanding. This comes with age, wisdom, and me faith and trust in God!

    • Isla says:

      Love her anyway and be there…”treat unto others..” Is something I fear people have forgotten. All you can do is be the best person, friend, mother, sibling etc you can be. Though do speak your feelings not with guilting or anger…just say I really missed you and I hope we can build a better relationship…and I am open to listening to how you feel or felt so we can together resolve any issues you may have. Be the best person you can be no matter others choices that’s there’s to bear.

  39. Crystal D. Kelly says:

    Quite honestly, times have changed. Many children simply perceive their parents as disposable — once raised; until they reach the age of young adults or late teens. Many are ashamed of their parents if they’ve experienced lack, poverty and all the struggles that the parents had to endure while raising them also. Much unwarranted judgement and shame is projected onto their parents because they were forced to raise them throughout the many struggles via providing for their children the best way they knew how. The many hours and double jobs in order to provide a safe home, clothing, food, environment, education, outside activities, ect. is not considered as acts of love. They’re simply perceived as something parents are suppose to do. It is! Yet, many children have no love or thankfulness for any of it; therefore, when they get a chance, they abandon their parents because they are perceived as disposable; particularly when these such children can provide for themselves. Unfortunately, many remain ashamed, judgemental and even hateful towards their parents if their parents had to struggle financially in order to raise and provide for them properly. Many are ashamed to even allow their friends, partners , ect to meet their parents. I once dated a guy who took a very long time for me to meet his mother. He was in his early 40’s. He finally told me he was ashamed of his widowed mother because she had only a third grade level of education; AND that she wasn’t attractive!! She was in her late 70’s for crying out-loud!! She had lost her youth, yet she was not unattractive. He did not once consider that she and his father raised him to the best of their abilities. She was a stay at home mom; while his father was a hard working man, husband, father and provider for them all. He also built their home with his own hands and remained intact in a committed, loving marriage with his mother; while providing for him and his siblings who are all successful adults as a result. Yet, he dared be “ashamed” of her while keeping her from ever meeting his friends, ect.! He died before she did. Realizing how awful he was towards his mother was far too late to make amends and to embrace his mother with love.

  40. Moses Manning, Jr says:

    I divorced his mother when he was about 5 years old. He had some special needs, but he was still very gifted and I never discouraged him from becoming the best boy in the world. In fact, I used to tell him that every day. I thought our relationship was solid until one day he told me that he didn’t really need to see me that much anymore and I could just pick him up to take him to the store and take him back to his mom’s house. I thought nothing of it at the time because he was about 12 and I counted it as a young man trying to grow up. Well, he must have meant it because I haven’t seen him now for about 13 years, except for the accidental glance from a distance. I tried several attempts to stay in touch with no success. I called him to ask if he was okay, he said he was “doing well”. I asked him to call me whenever but he balked at that notion. I think the most painful thing for me was when I saw that he had become an outstanding young man, graduated college Magna Cum Laude, and he changed his middle name to omit my portion of the name. I felt like I had been shot in the heart, like a physical death, and he pulled the trigger. Ironically, my father died just 3 weeks before I was born, and I thought when I have a son that I would never leave him the way my father left me. I would make sure that I gave him so much love and support that he would want to have me around as a mentor to guide and mold. I guess I was wrong about everything. Now I have been reduced to a son without a father, and a father without a son. Some irony, huh?

    • Brandon says:

      I know exactly how you feel Moses. I raised three children and during a divorce they abandoned me. My exwife brainwashed them after a 20 year marriage and made me out to be a bad guy. I did 28 years on the police force, surviving several attempts on my life, put my exwife through chiropractic college, and worked weekends, nights, holidays for my family plus supported my wife when we opened a chiropractic office in California. My children are young adults and don’t care that I was the primary financial provider for all. I never would have believed that my children would simply abandoned me. I was a great father and put my life on the line every working day for them and my reward is abandonment. My exwife that claims to be a Christian woman did a great job in brainwashing them and elevating her boyfriend over me that my adult children respect and honor him. I believe in Almighty God and to dishonor your father is a violation of the 5th Commandment with a promise by God. God wrote the 10 commandments in stone with his finger and my adult children simply ignore God’s commandment. God knows the truth, knows my pain and if my adult children do not repent will have to answer to Almighty God sooner than they think including my exwife. The irony is my father abandoned me as a child.

    • Marie says:

      Ive been reduced to a daughter without a mother or father (both alive), and Ive also been reduced to a mother without a son or a daughter, basically (both alive). I worked so hard to undo the damage my parents did to me. Now Im being punished for my good deeds.

    • Katla says:

      I completely agree and am in the same boat. I don’t know who they are anymore. It never occurred to me to disown my parents, because they were human? Well, duh! And to alienate the grandchildren from someone who loved them unconditionally and respectfully is in conscionable. What do they think they have done?! 💔

  41. Janet says:

    Our son is heading to the point of ‘abandoning’ us. And no, there is no reason that is at our door. He had a loving, nurturing home and was supported through Uni and beyond. He met his girlfriend and it was clear from the get-go that she had no use for us. He didn’t/doesn’t see it. And of course, if we pointed it out it would because we ‘are jealous of Kathryn’.
    Thing is, he had a period when he got in debt and spent money on gambling. We helped him through (and he helped himself to a lot of our money it must be said) . We love him so we just wanted to help him get established. We were pleased when he seemed to come round…all young people make mistakes, and its part of growing up. He always had our love. I think he now has a ‘new page’ with someone who doesn’t know (or pretends not to know) any of this. And so we get misrepresented because it appears we haven’t given him much in money terms. Which isn’t true at all but it was all to put negative stuff right and we are not wealthy. Anyway, I think he just doesn’t want the baggage we respresent. We never ever mention the things that went on….and like to talk about the good stuff. There was LOTS of good stuff. Last time I visited, he was horrible to me and said he was ashamed of us and our lack of success. (He means money.)
    A lot of the ‘reasons’ adult children give are simply excuses they make for their own callousness and self-regard. It lets them off the hook and is a double whammy for the parent.
    We always look for reasons to justify treating people badly. It is always comforting to make it their fault.
    The bottom line is we are of no further use to him. He has friends, work colleagues, his partner and her family. (Her mother insisted on cutting all ties with her husband’s family and she seems to be bent on doing the same.) He earns a lot of money, so does she, and in this materialistic world that is what counts. The sooner we get out of the way, die, whatever, the simpler life will be. Yet they have no children, nothing but their own selfish selves to think about.
    And ITS MY FAULT. ITS OUR FAULT. TRULY. People of our generation had harder upbringings, we were not indulged. We didn’t get pandered to and we had to be respectful. Sometimes we were afraid of our parents, we had to please them, not the other way around. So what did we do? Tried over-hard to not be like that. I wanted to be perfect and never pressured him, like my mother pressured me. I simply supported him in what he wanted to do. I never demanded anything of him, expected him to do lots of chores, or interfered with career choices etc. In simple terms, we have spoiled them. We made it All About Them. And they believed us.

  42. Scott says:

    This is just completely false: “adult children do in fact have a natural drive and responsibility to acknowledge parents no matter how imperfect their childhood may have been.”

    I am a 55 year old man and I have no “responsibility” to see my mother. My mother disowned me at the age of 18 because she hated my girlfriend (whom I eventually married). I have seen her twice in the past 37 years, once accidentally in a restaurant when she approached me and said, “I hope your wife is dead.”

    Many of us estranged from our parents do so for VALID reasons, like hating our spouses.

    • L.P. says:

      From the children’s point of view any reason is valid. That doesnt negate the feelings of sorrow we have. My eldest finally explained his reasoning after years of no contact. I respect his reasons now but at the time it was just abandonment .

    • Dee says:

      Every situation is different. No one should choose between their spouse and parent. Most children who do this were NOT abused. Mine were not. You were justified in ypur decision, but what about the parent who wasn’t abusive? Are we supposed to be in pain forever?

  43. L. P. says:

    This article was what I needed today. I know I was not a perfect mother and there was definite mental hardship involved, I just never expected 2 of my children to just leave and not look back. My oldest son told me he left because he could longer endure the family drama from an alcoholic family member. He says he hasnt disowned me but he never gets in touch me. Ive texted with one word responses.

  44. Sterling says:

    Broken heart syndrome is a very real medical condition. Look into it. I feel for every mother who is dealing with abandonment by her adult children. My son, whom I was very close to, has done the same to me. He would only call when having problems in his marriage. He told me I was always there for him. When things improved, I never heard from him. He and his wife are both high earning professionals. She controls the relationship. It breaks my heart every minute of every day. My two grandchildren don’t know me. This is especially difficult because my other son and DIL died 6 months ago. I had a great relationship with them. I have zero family now. I never would have treated my mother like this, even though we always had a strained relationship. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to do that. I was there for her.

    • Joy says:

      Sterling, I am so sorry for you. I have been on this heartbreaking road.. My son who I love with all of my heart has abandoned me.

    • Helen says:

      I know your heart ache,know you are not alone,know you have value and worth.The fact that we as moms sought out this forum shows that our hearts are broken,we need to love and support each other and to remind ourselves that we are still loving,valuable people ,we are someone’s friend,sisters ,aunts we are still valued by others,my sister who has recently passed would always remind of this

  45. flavia says:

    I’ve had 4 for 4 do this to me now everyone who knows me can’t understand why. I myself can’t understand why. My youngest I bailed out of jail over and over the last three years he moved in an out 3 times, He moved in again with his now wife they got married 4 months after dating I payed for the wedding. He walks out again haven’t heard from him in 6 months now I find out through friends shes pregnant. Here comes a 4 the grad child from 3 of my kids Ive yet been able to hold or see. It hurts the most about my youngest son who did all this because we were the closest. My daughter started talking to me recently I thought she was changing she tells me im nothing but a hypochondriac and nutts an that is why all my kids left. Then suddenly my other daughter calls snooping for info. I don’t think it will ever be fix at this point and it does hurt like my hearts been ripped from my chest. They always seem want to make me feel down the one daughter went so far as to say she was going to make my life a living hell for the rest of my life.

    • Annie says:

      “…everyone who knows me can’t understand why. I myself can’t understand why.”

      Your youngest daughter eluded to the answer, and respectfully, you are unwilling or uninterested in her experience of you. Many times adult children just want to be heard. It would be helpful to listen.

      • Sterling says:

        Remember, these adult children are ADULTS. They’re too hard on their parents, expecting them to be perfect. These ‘adult’ children expect actions, whatever from parents, that they wouldn’t expect from friends, strangers, anyone else. I’m sick of giving these spoiled cry babies a pass for hurting people who care deeply for them. Unless, of course, they’ve been abused. Which, in most of these cases, isn’t the issue.

        • John says:

          This is a helpful article. Comments are heartbreaking. In the past 20 years I’ve sat and shared a meal with my two sons maybe less than 10 times. I keep sending holiday cards, birthday cards, text, etc.

      • M. Robbins says:

        I have scrolled through some of the comments in this thread and I’m reminded Naomi Watts’ therapist character on ‘Gypsy’ (Netflix, one season). One of her patients is a middle-aged woman who’s adult daughter pushed her away because she was overbearing. The mom drops by her daughter’s apartment only to be informed that she has moved but didn’t leave a forwarding address. Further details are hazy since it was quite a while back that I watched it but I found that circumstance relatable.

  46. Shamed Anon says:

    This happened to me when I discovered that my daughter had become a prostitute and drug I looked at the age of 21. I tried to intervene, but she just vanished. Her lifestyle is more important than our family. I’m so sorry you had to go through this and I definitely hope your daughter is doing better than mine.

  47. sandgee says:

    You are so wrong. Abusive parents can continue to abuse an adult child. It is up to every adult to protect themselves from such people, even if they are called a “parent”. There is absolutely nothing about parenting that justifies treating your children worse than strangers, actively hurting their souls day-in-day-out.

    • L.P. says:

      I agree with you and understand why they left me. It’s a grieving process on my part and a cry for forgiveness. Even though I came from a verbally abusive household, I never stopped talking to my parents though.

      • Lucy says:

        Just because you chose to continue to speak to your verbally parents does not mean that someone else will make that same choice.

    • Lynne says:

      I was the scapegoat of my narcissistic mother and eventually the entire family. It never ended and continued well into adulthood. It was “their right as parents to discipline me”. I owned my own home, owned a wonderful business and took care of myself and my teenage daughter. I hosted all family holidays and was very good to them. I guess I was still looking for their love which would never come. Nothing I did was ever good enough. My father thought he still had the “right” to beat me ( for my washing machine making too much noise according to my mother) while calling me a F***ing B***h and F***ing C**T. It was Over. Done. I put up with 46 years of this. I should have called the police. But, they were my parents. Yet, both went around telling people they had no idea why I cut them off – playing the part of the victims. My entire extended family believed them and abandoned me in return. BTW- I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder compliments of my “We didn’t do anything! We go to church Every Sunday!” parents and their years of abuse.

      • Kyle says:

        Dear Lynne, People who haven’t been through it, have no idea, do they. My heart goes out to you. Please know you are not alone. Just because people choose to become parents, doesn’t mean they are of Godly spirit. I don’t mean that anyone should hate another, but sometimes you have to physically walk away to save your life, and this doesn’t mean that we can’t have sympathy or compassion for the person(s) who may have perpetrated the abuse, or that we stop loving them. And to be clear minded and have discernment of the situation, and whether or not there actually was abuse going on, or it’s just one’s own twisted sense of entitlement that makes us think there was abuse when there really wasn’t. In Lynne’s case, this was absolutely abuse at the hands of the parents, and the parents justified the abuse simply because they’re the parents. My heart goes out to you.

      • Shirely W says:

        Lynn, I could have written your post. I now only stay in contact with the family members who respect and care for me. The others can find someone else to gossip about and craft smear campaigns about. My Mom and my brother were always so sneaky and conniving, but I never caught on. Who would think your own Mom could be so weird. My mental health is good now, after a severe bout of PTSD and coming to terms with reality. The abandonment in my family is definitely a family curse and it will never end as long as so many don’t realize their behavior is appalling.

  48. Carla says:

    I needed this also but it made me sad all over again. It’s so sad to have your children stop having anything to do with you for no reason and I mean no reason. The divorce was hard on my children I understand but it was also hard on me not just their dad. It wasn’t because of any other person. I have three kids and none of them have anything to do with me. I am sick and they don’t like that. My mother was an alcoholic and abusive at times and I never thought it was an option not to have anything to do with her. I loved my mother and took care of her till the day she died and miss more than life itself……I will never understand this and I have a hard time not blaming myself even though I can’t come up with a reason for it. I need a support group….

  49. Anonymous says:

    Its Christmas time and I was feeling so sad and hopeless because I know my adult daughters will not be connecting with me and in desperation, I googled around looking for a new perspective that might give me some answers for the completely inexplicable position I find myself in. I came across this article and it was so dead on and hit so many resonant notes that I know it was an answer to prayer. I sent it to my dearest friends who, like myself, are stymied by my situation of complete rejection by my adult daughters after the breakup of a 33-year marriage. This article had such empathy and understanding of what life is like for a rejected parent whose heart has been broken by this most unspeakable suffering. God Bless You, John Driggs.

  50. Jackie says:

    My son has a girlfriend whom he married. My son and I got along fine until she came into the picture. My son now hates me. Never talks to me. I feel he has listened to his wife. I know I am a good person. I have sent him texts which she gets also. I have been set up and he doesn’t care. It has not robbed me of my self esteem. It has only made me stronger!

    • L. P. says:

      My son who grew up in special needs classes his whole schooling; where I participated in every activity with, has disowned me after finding “the girl of his dreams”. He’s an adult (22) and has moved in with her family. He will not see me and rarely responds to my texts. I’ve heard they’re getting married after 3 months of “courtship”. I’m not invited to the wedding. Just gone in the blink of an eye. Family life was not perfect. Alcoholic father. Stressed out me trying to be a single parent of 4 children. Should I have had 4 children with this man? In hindsight. No. Ive been diagnosed 4 years ago as bipolar which was untreated.

    • Marie says:

      Not the same details, but I, too, have become stronger. I used to blame my son’s father for brainwashing him, but now I just think my son may be Narcissistic. I just didnt see it coming.

  51. Linda says:

    My daughter won’t talk to me hasent for two yrs she can’t face the fact that she’s an abuser of her oldest daughter, She would do things in front of me and challenge me to say something to stop her ways and protect my grandchild.She always says she’s done with me over and over again every time there is a situation or disagreement. Last thing I saw was her slap this child full force in the mouth, she said it was for talking back, she didn’t, I threatened to call police next time for that we were shunned for mos by her. Then she started acting strange would ask us to come over because she didn’t want to be alone while husband worked ,with three little girls to take care of . At one time she would call at least 3 times a day I would say how are the girls she would say, oh driving me crazy!Then she started giving some gifts we gave the girls back to us or giving them to her older sister (welfare queen) to sell. The same child was being targeted with the selling of her toys, so I thought.I finally was talked into reporting them to cps . I didn’t lie and was trying to get her to see the .consequences when we physically hurt young children especially in front of the grandparent and expect us to say nothing until she really hurts her?for physical and mental abuse of the childAll it did was cause me grief and heartbreak and her not talking to us anymore and saying I made it up and lied. Now I’ve lost everything over it her and the girls. I’ve even gone so far as to ask her to forgive me, I’ve said I’m sorry she won’t give us a chance even after two yrs of no involvement with us. I wake up every morning with extreme anxiety over it all we even moved away to another state, but nothing works. I just turned 70 yrs old and have the worst fear nothing will ever get to the point of reconciliation with her. I try to talk to her but she hangs up calls family members gets them involved and attack me when I try to make things better so we could at least talk and see pictures. I feel like I’m just living to die without them. It’s the loneliest thing in the world to not be forgiven and be looking back from the outside in. I don’t care what she says or does concerning me I would accept her asking for forgiveness hands down in a New York minute I could never leave her hanging and with hold love from her, but I guess it’s our job as a parent ? I think it will never be resolved we will continue toget older and eventually pass away she has said she won’t care when we do, very sad,She May live to regret the time wasted on anger and no way to go back.Her and the little girls were my whole life I don’t know what to do now?

  52. Anonymous says:

    I think your article is a bunch of crap. Adult children are not obligated to maintain a relationship with their parents if it brings them nothing but manipulation and stress. If your children have chosen not to have you in their life it is because of you and your behaviour. Take some responsibility and stop believing you are wonderful and innocent in the whole situation. Your children have probably told you several times why they don’t want you in their life and you probably chose to ignore that and to blame them.

    • Sterling says:

      You think all abandoned parents are to blame for this sad situation? You’re delusional.
      Wives make husbands abandon his parents and siblings out of jealousy all the time…for one example. Wake up!

    • Amy says:

      If after you providing your child or children with nothing more than a loving happy home life with support all through their very young and teenage years to enjoy clubs and societies and to give your entire life to devote it to helping them become who they can be …and then they decide out of sheer self obsessed ‘I’m so important’ self important ways of living that you no longer ‘fit the bill’ in their ostentatious life ….then you have every right to feel hurt, angry and extremely upset ….. especially as throughout their life there were never any signs of things ‘not being right’ until they think they are invincible and do not care who they trample on or hurt along the way.

      We are parents who have just suffered this unbelievable nightmare …and have no explanation from our child other than … do as I want and say – do not have the audacity to disagree with me – or you are out of my life … they have no gripe about their life …only a problem with that we are not as extravagant as they want us to be … we have worked hard all our life and what we have will be theirs one day … but the frivolousness and self absorbed ways are uncontrollable … it’s their choice we just have principles and won’t be shamed into being so reckless ….that doesn’t make us bad parents

      The hurt from a child doing this is enough to destroy your entire life – family, friends won’t, don’t understand how your once loving child can behave like this towards their also very loving parents ….it’s heartbreaking – so please stop saying ‘take responsibility’ because if we knew what the problem was we would address it …. the problem is our child has never articulated what the actual problem was or might have been …if we could fix this we would, however given that our child appears never to want this fixed until we admit they were right and always are … we have no end to this. Sad sad day to realise the enormity of this situation!

  53. Anonymous says:

    I have read many articles on adult children estrangement and none of them touched on it like this one did. Most of the ones that I have read seem to put blame on the mother and tended to side with the adult child. Because of that I didn’t feel like I received any help with the torture that I’m going through. I want to thank you for this wonderful article because it has put a different spin on how I feel about myself now. I thank you so very much.

  54. Joyce B says:

    I too have an estranged daughter a lot due to her narcisistic father my ex husband, worse I can’t see my grandchildren that I seen everyday, til one day I was blocked completely from their lives, it hurts clear to my soul

    • Bonnie says:

      I totally understand your pain and bewilderment with the same situation I am experiencing. it’s awful.. never thought I’d be living this nightmare!

  55. Eric Tagesen says:

    I am the only son in a broken family. It’s been 30 years since having any type of relationship with either my mother or father. They divorced in 1988. Neither put forth any effort to maintain any form of “family” with me from that moment to present time. My father has moved from state to state, and my mother remarried and has blended into her new family. I don’t understand it at all. I have been in the military for 31 years, and married for 29 years. I have two beautiful daughters (one is an architect, and the other working on her master’s degree). Neither my mother or father have been part of my daughter’s lives. So sad, and such a waste to have raised me for 18 years, only to walk away. Sometimes it’s not the adult child who does the abandonment.

    • Lucy says:

      So very true. I think when a parent or both parents emotionally neglect their children they have abandoned them already. Your comment hit the nail on the head for me. I was never bothered with emotionally by either parent and till this day (im 35) they still don’t. All I get is excuses.

    • Milly says:

      Two of my adult brothers refuse to even speak to our father. True, he is not the most logical and emotionally- connected person, but I believe he does the best he can. He was not mean to us as children, but once we became teens he nor our mother showed any physical affection. What makes no sense to me, is that these same two brothers cut me out of their lives, too. What did I do to cause this? I’m only the older sister who refuses to burn bridges. I never expect a deep relationship with my parents, but I do believe they deserve a second chance with their grandchildren ( my children). The rejection from my brothers comes after my parents threatened to ostracize me for marrying a man they refused to get to know. That created detachment from me toward my parents. But this rejection from my siblings will probably always haunt me with grief.

      • Lucy says:

        Sorry to hear this. For me, it was only from observing someone I knew who hugged and showed his love for his children emotionally which opened the door for me. Before then what I grew up I thought as normal and regret not seeing this in my 20’s. My Dad especially bought things etc, house food and all that but I’ve realised you can be dirt poor but have rich emotional connection. Ultimately that is what life and relationships are about. Anyone can go out and buy people things. That’s easy. Showing your love/vulnerability to someone. Whole different ballgame.
        As with regards to your brothers? I don’t have the answers. Were you close before? Do they feel that maybe you were the favored one growing up?

  56. Debbie Reynolds says:

    My heart is heavy as I was rejected by first one and then the other daughter. I was a good mother who worked two jobs to give my children a better life, a better education and I was proud of their accomplishments. Both have masters degrees and excellent jobs. They loved me as children and I don’t understand why they turned away from me as adults. I was looking for some explanation as to what or why this has happened and this article was excellent. Thank you for writing it. Now I know that my shame is not my fault.

  57. Carol Long says:

    Thank you for the article it was very helpful. I too have been abandoned by my three children. Even if they feel that I was a horrible mother and they don’t have any need to have me I’m their lives it breaks my heart. I love them.

    • Marie says:

      I believe that is why it hurts, it is because we love them, but it is not returned. If we didnt love them, it wouldn’t hurt. My son doesn’t seem to love me, and I fear for my daughter…just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. :'(

  58. Jullie S says:

    I agree with the other comments. John Driggs has written with a depth of understanding and consolation that touches me. Other articles I read didn’t seem to be about me. I’ve thought so hard about my situation for years and also think that my two daughters were manipulated by my destructive ex-husband (beginning at their birth). He was so successful at it, they believe I was a very poor mother and that’s why we’re not close. Their accusations are rarely specific and when I have something to respond to, my intelligent and accomplished daughters can’t hear the logic of my words. For example, I betrayed my daughter by allowing her to visit her father even though I knew what he was like. A legal document gave him that right and I had no evidence to present a judge. Both daughters protected him by being silent so I didn’t know. By the way, this daughter is a lawyer! I’ve apologized with tears for what I did do wrong (one thing in particular), but their need to blame me has persisted. So I agree with John that they avoid their painful feelings by avoiding me. And that they love me as the mother and person I really was. I don’t expect anything to change. I want to ask: does anyone have a physical condition they could trace to their sadness over their children’s abandonment? I have terrible pain walking. The sadness from the wounding of my soul implies, there’s no where I want to be so why move at all? This insight came to me today.

  59. CHRIS STURM says:

    Closest explanation to what we’ve experienced I’ve found. It helps to know we’re not alone, though I hate that anyone else should ever have to endure such loss. It is absolute torture. Thank you for your article. It helps more than you know.

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