What does it mean to be a man? You look tough, act like you know it all, never back down from a fight, drive the right car, keep your woman in line, make lotsa money, and be good in bed and expect your kids to be winners and be good at everything they do, and you need to be in control at all times. Above all, you never let anyone beat you at anything you do or see you sweat.

With this code of masculinity, we, as men, are shortchanging ourselves. We think that the world should revolve around us and we don’t see how this attitude is not good for ourselves or anyone else. According to 2021 CDC data, American men live on average to 76 years while women live to 79 years. Our life expectancy has always been lower than that of women. We guys have higher rates of avoidable deaths before age 75. Since records were kept, longevity rates for men have always been lower than that of women. Why is this?

Since we know that eating a good diet, staying in good shape, not taking unnecessary risks, getting regular health check-ups, staying calm under stress, maintaining supportive friendships and avoiding overuse of alcohol and not smoking are all traits of healthy living, we can make an educated guess that men’s lower longevity is almost entirely explained by lifestyle choices. Women are just much better at taking care of themselves than men. The machismo of men contributes to their feelings of invulnerability and they fool themselves into a shorter life-span.

Trying to live up to an impossible code of traditional masculinity makes men more depressed, isolated, and suicidal.The way that men treat each other is deplorable. Whereas some women may be catty and gossip behind other women’s backs, some men use aggression when they are envious of other men or feel insulted by male peers. They rely on gun violence way more than women do to settle disputes with peers. Hardly a day goes by without someone getting killed by gun violence. Men use guns to defend their masculinity, often in domestic violence incidents. Most mass violence is committed by men 94% of the time and hardly ever by women. Even though it would be tougher for men to use words, box, or wrestle to settle differences with other men they may take the coward’s way out and just shoot their rivals. It would never occur to men that using a gun in a violent act is reinforcing their cowardice and making them more scared of other men. The cluelessness in men which gets reinforced by society’s toxic definition of manhood puts men in greater danger from gun violence. This factor coupled with men’s biological proclivity for aggression makes men more prone to use guns to settle emotional disputes. The Clint Eastwood school of settling differences—“Make my day”—has many male adherents.

Besides physical dangers, men get plagued by psychological dangers from toxic traditional masculinity. Trying to live up to an impossible code of traditional masculinity makes men more depressed, isolated, and suicidal. It also makes men into tragic caricatures in relationships, so much so, that women may just roll their eyes at men who they are dating. To compensate for this flaw, men may put more pressure on themselves to be sugar daddies to women and have less honest and less intimate relationships with women. Men are prone to fall in love with these male stereotypes more so than the real beautiful and imperfect women they are with. This living in a fantasy world makes them more vulnerable to pornography and less satisfied with the inner beauty of women who they are with. When men are raised to live in a fantasy world, they live their whole lives in a fantasy world. They keep trying to be Clint Eastwood or James Bond.

Why do men cling to toxic masculinity?

Fear of being shamed keeps men in a box of traditional masculinity. Afterall, what man wants to be seen in public pushing a baby stroller down the street or backing down from a fight when he is scared of danger? Men just know what not to do to preserve their manhood based on social norms. Clearly some men will push a baby buggy or back down from an unnecessary fight but most men know their first obligation is to defend their manhood. Mindlessly obliging social codes of masculinity keep men stuck in unhealthy manhood. This view gets internalized in men even when others are not around to shame them and it is their ticket to social bonding with other men. Men who are used to rigidly following principles rather than sorting out their own feelings will be used to adhering to toxic masculinity. Such practices often get reinforced by female partners who want their men to be more masculine even though they would appreciate more help from their male partners in child rearing. Women actually prefer men to take more initiative in family care and assert their beliefs but simply adore men who are compassionate, affectionate, and assertive.

It is way better for men to give up their charade of masculinity and be more authentic.The other reason men get stuck in toxic masculinity is that men are isolated from other men. Men may have sports buddies but lack male friends who talk intimately with them. The closeness with other men gives men the chance to question and compare their inner selves with other men. Men fear closeness with other men due to hidden homophobia. It is such a relief for men to realize they can put their arms around other men and not have to worry about their sexuality. Many younger men are affectionate with their male buddies and have less toxic shame than older men. Since men are raised to be so competitive with other men it is much harder for them to be vulnerable around other men because they fear other men have more of an edge over them. It’s a relief for men to realize that other men often feel exactly the same way that they do and are not looking for an edge. Finally, men cling to toxic masculinity because their fathers do. For men with their fathers, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Having more flexible views of being a man can feel like disloyalty to most men.

Alternatives to toxic masculinity

It is way better for men to give up their charade of masculinity and be more authentic. Imagine a world where men were the significant nurturers in their families, listened to and had compassion for their children and wives, protected their loved ones from harm, reasonably supported their family financially along with their wife, disciplined with a firm but softer approach, expressed their feeling and allowed others to do the same, were concerned about social justice, had a backbone when standing up for their beliefs, showed leadership in arranging child care and family fun activities, honored their wives in having say in the family, didn’t let their own activities and sports interests regularly interfere with family times and maintained a partnership model in their marriage, including a date night and time alone with their wives. These alternatives really are realistic. Men actually crave being more humane in their families and many men are already like this without prodding. Men being more intimate with all family members would vastly improve men’s happiness and confidence in their masculinity. They would be a man who you’d love to have around!

How to overcome toxic masculinity and be an authentic male

Here are some steps to be better version of yourself as a man:

1. Realize that the longest journey as a man begins with just a few steps. The first step is to admit that you would like to be more emotionally close to others, perhaps to your wife and children—that this is a primary need of most men no matter how much they pretend otherwise.
2. Learn to be a savvy consumer of media when it come to messages about men. Tell yourself that money is not the root of all happiness. In fact, lottery winners are no happier after winning than before winning. You don’t need to buy a new car to be happy. You don’t need to be a slave to money to be happy. Just hang out with friends or your kids and play catch with them or wrestle with them and you will be the happiest man in the world. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with them and ask personal questions of your loved ones. Being a good listener is essential to being intimate. Let yourself be amazed at what you hear as it may surprise and astound you.  Avoid playing the expert role. Reject any media messages which seem inauthentic. 
3. Stop trying to look good, pretending to be somebody you are not and lose face often. It may surprise you that others feel closer to you when you share your failures and vulnerable moments. You will be less scared of opening up and being who you really are. The moment that you leap into authenticity is the moment you increase your masculinity.
4. Read about being a real nurturing man. I recommend Man Enough (Putman, 1993) by Frank Pittman and the podcasts of Justin Baldoni. They may guide you in your own definition of masculinity.
5. Be open to non-traditional paths to authentic masculinity. Some of us are born with non-traditional paths to masculinity. We may struggle with gender dysphoria, where our internal way of seeing ourselves as male is inconsistent with how culture declares how we should be male. I’ve found that some of the strongest and most creative men are those males who get support from other non-traditional males and learn to accept themselves just as they are. In many native American tribes, non-traditional men were seen as gifted seers and wise men. In fact, all males do better when they can accept themselves as different, imperfect, and lovable.

Positive models of men

Many men are actually awesome and don’t get recognized as much as they deserve.Most of us live with many negative portrayals of men. We assume it is just inherent for men to behave badly and think only of themselves. Such misrepresentations are the themes of popular media. Fewer of us are awed by men being bigger human beings, which happens a lot more than you realize. I’m here to tell you that men, like women, have their good points and their bad points. Many men are actually awesome and don’t get recognized as much as they deserve.

Let’s discuss men who portray positive versions of masculinity:

• Jim is an older man whose wife passed away this past year. He has been grief stricken and was very much in love with her. Now he has only his elderly mom left who lives in a nursing home during the last years of her life. He visits her weekly, takes walks with her, and reads to her. He knows that the man he is today was very much formed in his early years with his mom. He sees her in tribute to how she raised him. He looks forward to every visit. The nurses who attend his mom are very welcoming towards Jim. He makes life more worthwhile for everyone in his mom’s home.
• Derek is a non-traditional male. He works as a youth minister with his hair dyed pink. He has a bit of a lisp when he talks. The kids really like him for being somewhat weird like themselves, someone who stands up for himself while being true to himself. He teaches them to be inclusive, non-judgmental, and a bit dramatic. He is kind, funny and a little outside the norm. He is actually quite wise in how he relates to kids and encourages them to be themselves no matter what. His authenticity speaks for itself and causes many youths to be who they really are. He is a splendid role model for the males in their middle-teen years.
• Jeff is a well-built lineman on his high school football team. He volunteers to work with the youth at his church and is the heartthrob of his class. Some of the guys like to challenge him by provoking fights with him but he tells them to back off as he doesn’t need to fight. Mostly he generates a lot of respect as people see how well he handles himself in the games. He is a gentle giant who commands respect. He plans to go to medical school after he graduates.
• Marty stepped up to the plate when his wife came down with a chronic illness. She was bedridden a lot of the time and he had to do the mothering and fathering in the family while also attending to what his wife needed from him. His kids and wife were really crazy about him and helped as much as they could. Marty never complained about his necessary role and treated all in his family with great love. He said it made him feel more in love with everybody, so what did he have to complain about. His abiding love amazed everyone.

These examples are real and are only a few examples of really good men. Perhaps you are one yourself and don’t recognize that gift in yourself.

John H. Driggs, L.I.C.S.W is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul, MN and co-author of Intimacy Between Men (Penguin Books, 1990). He can be reached at 651-699-4573.

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Last Updated on October 28, 2023