I read with great interest Mary Lou Logsdon’s recent article in the September-October issue of The Phoenix Spirit: “The Cost of Loneliness.” Mary Lou’s reflections resonate with what I have been thinking since I also read the Surgeon General’s Report – Vivek H Murthy – in which he describes loneliness as a major epidemic in America today. In this article, I want to reflect further on this phenomenon of loneliness and its impact on both addiction and recovery. I will seek to give ways to move from loneliness to connection.
Besides the Surgeon General’s Report on loneliness, another recent article has impressed me and I believe relates to this topic. The article was written by David Brooks and appeared in the September 2023 issue of The Atlantic, entitled “How America Got Mean.” Brooks also talks about America becoming sadder. I see the growing meanness and sadness adding to the loneliness we are experiencing as a country. The Surgeon General suggests that one out of every two Americans – of all ages – are experiencing loneliness and disconnection. He compares this to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day – clearly not a very healthy way to live. The Report also speaks of loneliness increasing the risk of individuals developing mental health challenges that threaten physical and societal health. Murthy says: “Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being” And “We must prioritize building social connection the same way we have prioritized other social issues such as tobacco, obesity and substance abuse disorders.” He raises the huge area of addictive substances and processes. My experiences say that loneliness, disconnection, and isolation are fertile grounds for addiction. What might we, then, who are struggling with addictions and seeking to walk the path of sobriety contribute to this discussion? That is the thrust of the remainder of this article.
Connection and recovery
The opposite of loneliness, disconnection, and isolation is connection. In this section, I want to reflect on connection as a way to move out of addictive thinking and acting. I believe that addiction flourishes in isolation, disconnection, and loneliness. I also believe that recovery flourishes in community. I have learned much about this from my experiences of addiction as well as twenty-eight years in a Twelve Step group.
The first point I want to raise about addiction and recovery is that different people have different needs around connection. I am a very extraverted person, while my wife is much more introverted. As a result, we have different needs around connecting with people. There is a saying that introverts think in order to talk, while extraverts talk in order to think. This has been borne out in my experience. So, even though some degree of connection is important for everyone, the form and shape it will take will vary from person to person. One size does not fit all! A person needs to listen to themselves around the kinds of connection they need to come out of isolation.
We all need half times in our busy lives to slow down and ponder next steps.Second, I see connection as the fruit of making choices. Connections do not just happen. On the other hand, disconnections and loneliness can be the result of not making choices. Loneliness and disconnections can arise as we simply react to situations or simply disappear in the face of what feels overwhelming. It is important to make choices if we are going to experience connection.
Third, there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness and solitude. Aloneness and solitude involve choices to disconnect – turn off the media and the computer and even withdraw from others. We do this to re-gain groundedness and a sense of who we are that might have gotten lost in all that is swirling around us. I believe some alone time is crucial for all of us today in the face of what David Brooks wrote about our country becoming meaner and sadder. I see alone time and solitude as a kind of like a half time in a football game. The teams have finished playing the first half, and they retreat to the locker room to talk over what worked and what didn’t work. They also are able to make adjustments for the next half. I see taking alone time and choosing solitude as retreating from what is going on and taking some alone time about choices which we want to do as we return to what is going on in our lives. We all need half times in our busy lives to slow down and ponder next steps.
Some steps for connection
Having named loneliness as an epidemic in American life and looked at loneliness and disconnection as fertile ground for addiction, I would next like to name some steps that we might experiment with in order to make connections.
A person needs to listen to themselves around the kinds of connection they need to come out of isolation.First, as we seek to make connections with others, I see the importance of each of us being connected to ourselves also. This involves listening to ourselves and what is taking place within us. Brooks believes that schools have emphasized intellectual learning and acquiring tools for working. There has been a failure in not having courses that deal with subjects like the meaning of life. I believe it is important for us to reflect upon what gives our life meaning and purpose. I have found journaling to be an important tool that helps me listen to myself as I take time to slow down and write about what is happening and how I feel. I see this kind of listening to ourselves as building our house – ourselves – on a foundation of stone, not sand. Take some time to listen to yourself as a way of making and strengthening a connection with yourself.
Second, think about making connections with others who we follow, an example being a true heroine of mine – Brene Brown. Brene writes and speaks about the impact of shame upon us, and that is often a place where we addicts find ourselves feeling deep shame about what we have done. As we seek to share these shameful experiences, she suggests we begin with a few trusted folks. We don’t begin telling people indiscriminately. Making a connection with another – especially if we are feeling lonely and disconnected – can often feel like a huge risk. So, find someone who you feel you can trust with your story. Begin small!
Third, the other side of risking to reach out and connect with another is a willingness to be there for others as they might be seeking to find support for themselves. I have learned that it is important not to assume that others feel grounded and connected. They might be looking for someone also. We can ask another how they are doing and be prepared to listen, especially in taking seriously that loneliness is an epidemic in our society.
Fourth, I believe another obstacle in seeking to make connections is a feeling and belief that we have to do this perfectly. I believe perfectionism is another cause of loneliness and disconnection. If we are prone to perfectionism, there is a tendency to hide our mistakes and limitations. This cuts us off from others. I believe perfection doesn’t exist in this world! We are human beings who make mistakes and at times don’t know what to do and other times we are overwhelmed with what is facing us. We live in a society that prizes externals for things like making money and winning. A way to make connections with others is risking letting others know we are imperfect. When I have done this, I have found others – the connection – will acknowledge the same. We are in the same boat!
Fifth, another practice that I believe is helping in making connections is developing a regular practice of giving thanks to others for what they have given us. I see this as an alternative to carrying regrets and resentments, which can often lead to on-going disconnections with others. Giving thanks generates a positive energy within us that can generate connections with others. Saying thanks entails reaching out to another – that is a connection maker.
Sixth, I would invite you to look around for a group or class that interests you. You might also ask another person if they know of a group that you might participate in. If an addiction is part of your disconnection, you can go on the internet to find a group that deals with the addiction you are dealing with. One of the pluses of Covid was discovering that platforms like Zoom can be a way to make connections with others. This is especially true if a person is in an area where there are few to no groups around a particular addiction. We are discovering there are multiple ways to connect with others – even with people at a distance.
Seventh, look to find ways that you might volunteer to help where there is a need. I have done some tutoring in a school where some of our family attend. I spent time with students who might be falling behind their classmates in areas like reading. My tutoring is a way to help these students and to make a connection with them. Certainly, today, schools can use volunteer help with all that has transpired to students over the past few years.
Conclusion
Loneliness, disconnections, meanness, and sadness are ever-present realities in today’s America, and often these are paths into addictive thinking and acting. I believe that a world where there is a growing sense of connection begins with me, with some of the small steps I mentioned in this article. How can I be a bridge-builder, not a wall creator? That begins with me and my willingness to risk and reach out to others. I recall the words of Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon which I have paraphrased – One small connection for oneself, one giant connection for humankind! Please take some small steps for connection and be open to others reaching out to you. A world in which there are connections between people is a healthier world in which to live – not only for us but for everyone.
Mark T. Scannell is a veteran 12 Stepper who believes that communities or Villages are essential in helping people recover from our addictions. It is very difficult to travel alone. His most recent book – The Village It Takes: The Power to Affirm – explores this theme. He can be reached at gasscann@bitstream.net.
Last Updated on November 20, 2023