“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” ― Lao Tzu
Thoughts are not just kept to oneself, but they are spread like a social disease over vast numbers of people.It may strike you as odd that persistent thoughts can be dangerous for your well-being or the well-being of someone else. But in fact this is quite true. Many people with depressive illnesses have irrational thought patterns that reinforce their low moods. Also, people who are prone to prejudice are more inclined to relationship problems in general, often due to the pessimism and blame inherent to prejudice and narrow mindedness. These days, with the proliferation of social media perilous thinking, it is more like an epidemic. Thoughts are not just kept to oneself, but they are spread like a social disease over vast numbers of people. It is best not to argue about such thoughts but to examine how you think and how those thoughts affect you and your relationships.
Over 42 years of clinical work I have found the following thoughts to be central to dysfunction and unhappiness in people over the long run.
“I cannot be happy unless I am beating others out at the game of life.”
Some of us are consumed by comparisons. We want to know who is better looking, who makes more money, who is smarter, who has a better job, who has smarter kids, etc. The list is endless in how we rank in comparison to others. In reality we each have special skills and distinct deficits. What does it really matter in the bigger picture if we are all different from one another? It doesn’t really matter! If our team wins, we are just as valuable after the loss as we were before. Although it is fun to compete sometimes, the final outcome really doesn’t make any difference. Most of us forget how we did after the last game. And it doesn’t make any real difference in the long run. What matters is being a gracious loser and a humble winner at the game of life. Playing the comparison game only makes us feel insecure because we are only as good as we achieve in life.
“Looking good is way more important than being good.”
Too many of us are addicted to status seeking. The cult of social media shows how people can maintain shallow relations with one another and lack confidence in their own identities. It’s what other people think that matters. Showing off to peers is way more important than doing a thorough self-evaluation and accepting both the good and bad parts of ourselves. People preoccupied with social status have superficial views of themselves and lack the introspection and self-awareness necessary for self-forgiveness. Living on the surface of life keeps us on a treadmill of desperation, people-pleasing in an endless and futile search for life-meaning much like a hamster on a wheel. Unfortunately, superficially seeing others only on the surface puts us at risk for faulty love relationships and a diminished capacity for handling complex relationship conflicts. Loving ourselves and others requires us to delve deeply into who we and other people really are.
“Never admitting that you are wrong is a sign of a strong person.”
Actually, just the opposite is true. It takes real strength to admit to our failings and atone for them. Appearing to be flawless gives others a false view of ourselves and makes us look superior to others. People who are never wrong are unavailable for close relationships and lead misguided lives. Our failures in fact make us more human and lovable since we can all relate to making mistakes. A famous stage actress, Tallulah Bankhead, said it best: “If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have time.” Her boldness and humor in admitting her failings clearly conveyed her self-confidence. Those of us who are always right surely are merely pretending to be strong.
“All the failings in my life are due to other people.”
People who regularly deny responsibility for themselves surely are playing the victim role in life and crave attention from other people who feel sorry for them. This “woe is me” approach to life may elicit pity from others, but it mostly alienates others from the complainer as they get tired of all the blame and self-pity. Ultimately, they become aware of all the manipulations behind such complaining and realize that they are wasting their time on someone who is compelled to be miserable and unnecessarily burdening them with tales of woe.
People who externalize blame for their own failings also do damage to themselves. They may become paranoid by how much power other people have over them. Such a loss of personal power may not be clear in how this happens, and the blamer feels even more incompetent and clueless, increasing the need more blame and delusional thought. This vicious cycle causes people to collect injustice in relationships and alienate others who are tired of all the blame and delusional thinking. The reality is once you start blaming others for your own failings you lose control over yourself and you begin dying. The tragedy in all this is that it is really no big deal to own up to your mistakes and it may even cause other people to like you.
“If people wrong me, I will have a score to settle with them.”
Holding grudges is a perilous habit. Confucius (551-479 BC) said: “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” How many times have you tried to get even with an enemy only to hurt yourself in the process? Even holding ill will toward another will put you in a destructive negative mood that it will potentially distance yourself from others who don’t relate to your grudge. You may have a hard time negotiating with someone you hate as your mood will unbalance any reasonable compromise. Eventually you become a prisoner of your own hate and others may see you as an extremist. You may lack the ability to see the complexity of human relationships and adopt black/white thinking. Grudge holding is a disaster in intimate relationships as you may oblige your partner to take the same extreme view that you hold. It may result in relational alienation.
“I don’t need anybody. I can solve my own problems.”
The poet John Donne said: “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in There is nothing wrong with liking our alone time but too much of it will make us unwell.humankind.” It’s a major mistake to take the lone wolf view of life. All of us genetically have more in common with chimpanzees, who are inherently tribal. Social networking on our computers will never fulfill our personal needs because we all require eye-to-eye social contact and affection. Those of us who try to be lone wolves will quickly get lonely, insecure and hunger for affection. Solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments a person can endure since we are all descended from apes and require social connections. We can hide but not run from our humanity. There is nothing wrong with liking our alone time but too much of it will make us unwell. The book Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam (Simon and Schuster) 2001 has all the hard research on this topic.
There are many other perilous thoughts such as “Being rich will make me happy,” “People who don’t cheat are suckers as every body cheats,” “I can live a lie as I can just put it out of my head,” “Love is an illusion. It’s where two people mutually use one another for their own selfish needs.” The list just goes on.
Many of us have passing thoughts like these but we realize our foolishness and move on. I certainly do. Those who don’t see their foolishness and don’t move on, suffer for life and cause suffering in others. If you are consumed by perilous thoughts, don’t blame yourself. Chances are you have been exposed to or abused by thoughts that made you think less of yourself. Out of loyalty to your upbringing or abusive past you learned to agree with such negative thinking as your only chance to earn other people’s love. Well there is another choice to better your life. I recommend getting good psychological help from a trusted helper and read Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness (Simon and Schuster, 2004). You will turn darkness into light.
John H. Driggs, L.ICSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul, MN and co-author of Intimacy Between Men (Penguin Books, 1990).
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