For some time, I have been thinking about perfectionism – my own as well as the people I have met in almost thirty years of recovery. The image that comes to me about perfectionism led to the title of this article. Perfectionism can often be a curse! I see the drive to be perfect as disturbing our best laid plans and desires. It is like if I do something well and make a few mistakes, I lose a sense of feeling good about myself. Perfectionism is really an on-going pursuit of seeking to be perfect. In this article, I want to look at perfectionism that can lead to addiction, some causes of perfectionism and ways to creatively deal with perfectionism.
I grew up in a family which prized getting very good grades and doing well at school. For example, I had an uncle who rewarded with me with one dollar for every “A” I received, ten cents for a “B” and nothing for a “C.” An “F” would have been the end of the world. I grew up in a church where everything was clearly wrong or right, little things could become big things and sex was rarely talked about. I believe those experiences helped me develop perfectionism – everything was important and serious, and good grades were expected.
In my experience, failing to be perfect in what we do, can often lead to feeling like a failure, as well as feeling anxious and developing other painful feelings. If I don’t do everything perfectly, I feel like I failed. There can also be stress that comes with trying to do things perfectly – in our personal relationships, at work – really in everything we try to do. There are no holidays or respites when we are struggling with perfectionism. This can also lead to developing addictions that help us medicate the pain that perfectionism causes for us, and that pain is that we are not perfect. My belief – perfection doesn’t exist in this lifetime, even though many of us try to be perfect!
Where does perfectionism come from? One cause is experiencing traumas, especially when we were young and very vulnerable. Something like “Maybe if I do things perfectly, I won’t be abused and traumatized.” We hoped that possibly being perfect was a way to avoid painful experiences. Another cause is growing up in families and settings where there was a great deal We hoped that possibly being perfect was a way to avoid painful experiencesof criticism around mistakes and being a fallible human being. These settings can include our families as well as churches and schools. A third cause is the very competitive societies in which we live which emphasize competing and winning. In these societies, it is easy to feel “less than” and possibly even cursed. So, we try harder and harder to win and be as perfect as we can be, and we find we can’t be perfect. I see perfectionism as often having its roots in our past where we learned to try to be perfect, and that would help us rise to the top of the groups we were part of.
I will now try to present some ways to deal with perfectionism. The first one is really the 1st Step of the 12 Steps – admitting and accepting our powerlessness and the unmanageability of trying to be perfect. Second, it is very important to find support and that for me involves moving into Steps 2 and 3 – opening to the Higher Powers of our lives. In my experiences, it is hard to disengage alone from perfectionism because it often leads us to isolate. We need support from trusted people – Higher Powers – to come out of isolation and begin to deal with our tendencies toward perfectionism. I have found the men in my recovery group help me when they remind me that making mistakes is normal as they make them also. That is very heartening for me to hear again and again.
Third, at times it can be helpful to seek out professional support – like counselors or recovery coaches – to help us untangle from the expectations we have developed for ourselves. A fourth possibility is simply practice being imperfect. This is quite different from the ol’ adage – “Practice makes perfect.” Really, all the practice in the world will not make us perfect. I prefer the words from AA’s How It Works – “Progress, not perfection.” Be willing to try things and take a risk and see what happens, and even celebrate when we didn’t do it perfectly.
Another way is – along with finding support – to set goals that are realistic. For me this means beginning small and building toward larger goals, building on the successes we have had. Also, being accountable to another or others can be helpful in keeping our goals modest and avoiding failures. Another practice, especially when we are experiencing negative self-talk, is saying affirmations of ourselves. For example, moving from “I am a failure” to “I am good enough.” Working to decrease the impact of perfectionism is to ask for support and seek to do things in a spirit that is OK to make mistakes, which we can learn from. A last way of letting go of our perfectionism is practicing self-compassion – finding ways to acknowledge the pain we are experiencing and being understanding and loving of ourselves. Two ways that I have found helpful in becoming more self-compassionate is being willing to forgive ourselves for what we did or didn’t do as well as giving thanks for who we are, our gifts and talents, as well as what we have been able to do. Developing a practice of gratitude can be very helpful in becoming less perfectionistic.
In this article, I have tried to give a snapshot of a very important aspect of both addiction and recovery – the impact of perfectionism. If you are a perfectionist, I hope you have learned that you are not alone as there are many of us in the same boat. I have suggested a few ways that I have found helpful to become more accepting of who we are – imperfect human beings, worthy of love and support. I wish you well as we all seek to deal with this curse and seek to become less cursed and more blessed.
Mark Scannell recently published a book on the 12 Steps – Affirm & Nurture: A New Look at 12 Steps. He writes to encourage dialogue about issues important in addiction and recovery. He can be reached at gasscann@bitstream.net.
Last Updated on September 17, 2024