So many of us are afraid that this national election will not turn out right and that we will be stuck electing a leader who both promotes hate and decries democracy. With good reason, we endlessly obsess about national polls and the latest news regarding the election. We lose a lot of sleep over this election, so much so, that many of us live in a state of continuous trauma over this election. Indeed, the rhetoric of prejudice and hate which invades our media is way over the top. Some of us are losing faith in our fellow Americans as we vilify their political beliefs and wonder how others can even have beliefs that are so discrepant from our own. The whole reaction to this election is like living in a continuous trauma state where neighbors cannot trust neighbors and all there is to life is continuous gloom and doom.
Well, I am here to tell you to take heart. All is not lost by this election. We have already lived through heavily contested elections before in our history and we will do so again, perhaps learning from our ordeal and even coming out for the better afterwards. We’ve already gotten through a Revolutionary War, a Civil War, and two World Wars. We will get through this cultural war as well. How do I know this? First, I know that when you’re in a trauma state you will not do your clearest thinking. Most of us forget that love is stronger than hate during trauma. In fact, the most important human need of all is the need to attach and love one another. All mammals are wired for love and attachment, no matter what our circumstances are. You will see that the party that has more humanity will easily win this election and we will all be safe and eventually cuddle with each other. So, rest easy, our humanity will eventually save us from ourselves.
Why is Love Stronger than Hate?
Just ask yourself, “How do I feel when I really love someone and how is it different when I hate that person?” Notice how elated you feel when you’re close to a beloved person and compare that mood when you’re near someone you resent. Most of us are on cloud nine when we cuddle with our beloved and feel alienated when we are near someone we despise. So, love is more desirable than hate on a feeling level. And we desire to be near someone who is closer to us. Joy and relaxation are the common reaction to being with our beloved. Whereas we feel alienated, lonely, and perhaps resentful, when we are with a disliked person. Most of us desire to feel relaxed, elated, and less lonely and hence we value the power of love and are less fond of hate as a motivator or reason for connection. It’s how humans are wired for love over hate that makes love stronger than hate. When you leave a rally of hateful persons you feel less motivated to join them, whereas when you are with compassionate people you will likely feel relaxed, hopeful, and more self-forgiving. These states generally continue even when you leave your social group, and you tend to have favorable recall of your social encounters. Hating others is a failed attempt to project our own self-hate onto others. However, blame never relieves our self-hate and only causes us to look for more people to hate. Loving others has the potential to lessen our self-hate especially when we are accepted by others despite our flaws. Once again love is more powerful than hate.
How Do We Learn to Love Ourselves?
A friend of mine once told me his story of how he came to love himself through connections to others. He started by reading self-help books on improving self-esteem. He became more intellectually smart on how he could feel more self-regard but he really didn’t feel better about himself. So, he went to a therapist. Again, he discovered many reasons from his past that might lead him to dislike himself but he found no current tools to reverse that trend. What really worked for my friend was being in a room with other men in a 12 Step Alanon group where he could really share the dark side of his people-pleasing and loss of self. He felt accepted, not judged and less alone in his sharing. His identity strengthened, he found the ability to set limits with others and genuinely felt a budding love for himself and his fellow group members. He became less ashamed of himself and actually looked forward to going to meetings. The stunning regard he felt from his group mates was palpable and spiritually moving beyond what he had ever experienced before in his life. For the better he was a changed man. He experienced what James Baldwin called the “miracle of love.”
I have always felt that a human being could only be saved by another human being. I am aware that we do not save each other very often. But I am aware that we save each other some of the time. The miracle on which one’s unsteady attention is focused is always the same, however it may be stated, or however it may remain unstated. It is the miracle of love, love strong enough to guide or drive one into the great estate of maturity, or to put it another way, into the apprehension and acceptance of one’s own identity.
—James Baldwin, 1964—
My Personal Talk with My Maker
Often when I am in great distress, I have a talk with my Maker before going to sleep. I start with the 23d Psalm, which I’ve memorized:
The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his namesake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies. Thou anointest my head with oil. My cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever. Amen
What I find is that often the Lord answers me in my dreams. He consoles, encourages, and challenges me and explains what is going on. In the morning when I wake up, I often shares His words with my wife. We both marvel at what I am being told and we treasure His messages. I awaken way more relaxed. This dialogue has gotten to be a precious routine and feels like a gift and miracle.
John H. Driggs, L.I.C.S.W is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul, MN and co-author of Intimacy Between Men (Penguin Books, 1990). He can be reached at 651-699-4573.
Last Updated on December 2, 2024