The Lord had regard for Abel but for Cain he had no regard. Cain was very angry and his countenance fell. Cain rose up against his brother, Abel, and killed him. Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” Cain said, “I do not know; am I my brother’s keeper?” – Book of Genesis

A traveling salesman recently murdered his better-educated and more successful pregnant wife because she was gaining the “upper hand.” An unemployed man who described himself as a “midget, a mouse, something less than a man” raped and bashed in the head of a female jogger. Two teenage boys, described as pariahs in their high school, went on a killing rampage at their school to get back at the “jocks and preppies” for getting more favorable treatment by the police. What do these tragic scenarios have in common? Among other things, they all represent situations where envy got hideously acted out. Although none of us may resort to such extreme expressions, envy may be problematic in many of our lives and its effects can be devastating. We are all called upon to examine our own jealousy. Particuarly in our age of emotional disconnection, envy is a common problem.

Desiring the good fortune of others and holding contempt for others who are more successful than ourselves is called envy. Most of us experience envy in its common form as benign jealousy or sibling rivalry. Such occasional feelings may be positive as they propel us to pursue our own successes. Unfortunately, some of us get mired in envy and it becomes a quicksand in our lives. The more we struggle with envy, the deeper we sink into it and our sense of adequacy fails. This hurtful form of jealousy, called pathological envy, often has grave and persistent consequences in all parts of our lives. Pathological envy is frequently the root of many forms of psychological and physical violence. However, like other challenges to recovery, envy can be a stepping stone to growth or it can stifle our lives.

I can’t say when or how it all stopped, but my older sister and I were once very close. She was everything to me. Now, I hate her, no matter how kind she is to me. She graduated from college. She got married. She has two beautiful kids. I can barely stand to be around her. Sometimes I cringe and have to run away when she gives me that cute little smile as if to say, “Look at me.” Oh, how I wish we could turn back the clock. I miss my sister.

Impact of pathological envy

Those of us with excessive envy are prone to keep it a secret. We know it is socially and personally unacceptable and it may be impossible for us to be a “good sport” around somebody we detest so much. Unfortunately, such persistent hatred may poison our identities, limit our relationships, and undermine our own potential. Patty Schnyder, a once famous Swiss rising star of professional tennis, publicly stated she could not defeat Anna Kornikova, a splendidly attractive tennis pro of perhaps lesser abilities. She consistently defaults on her matches with Anna as she can only focus on Anna’s aura of superiority. Like Patty, many of us limit what we can do. We spend too much of our energies on constant and unfavorable comparisons with someone, often a specific type of person, whom we dislike and we default on life. Erroneously, we believe, that the only way we can be all we can be is if only we can defeat our rival. Unfortunately, the more we compete with another person, the more we continue to lose, and our jealousies defeat us. Envy is a quagmire. Until we detach from our rival and face the intense rivalry within ourselves will we ever be free of it. Envy is a battle within ourselves.

I always hated Christmas. Every year I got the best presents among my brothers. You’d think that was a good deal! It wasn’t. How would you like to be hated every year? Besides they always got more real attention from my folks. When you’re born stupid, you get good presents, not attention. I stopped hating my brothers when I realized we were all born stupid. We picked the wrong parents. Besides, how dumb can you be to hate your brothers when you really love them.

Origins of problematic envy

The story of Cain and Abel helps us understand how painful jealousies arise. Being treated unequally in our familes of origin – either being catered to or disregarded – may cause us unending anxiety over sibling comparisons. Deprivation and special treatment in any social system causes endless cutthroat competition between peers. Whether we are given too much or too little, we are constantly insecure and unsure if we’re given our fair share of love. Unequal or negligent regard of children fosters envy problems in adults.

Besides unfair parenting, many of us have problems with envy because we cannot internally deal with injustice. Paradoxically, unfair treatment can be a boon. Oddly enough, in preferring Abel’s gift, God was not cheating Cain out of love; he was merely testing Cain to see if he could stand on his own regard when he gave preferred treatment to Abel. All of us face injustice in life. It is up to us alone to have the inner resources to accept ourselves in the face of unfair treatment.

Guidelines for growth

Certainly you are a much bigger person if you can recognize when envy is a problem for you. Perhaps other people around you have grown accustomed to either fueling or denying your rivalry with another person. They may be aware of your intense feelings, but are helpless to heal the rift between you and your rival. You yourself may feel the most helpless. It’s best if you can understand envy as an intergenerational problem, not just your own individual failing. Read East of Eden by John Steinbeck or get the video. It epitomizes the classic generational conflicts behind envy and may give you some clues on the origins of your own feelings. The key to overcoming envy is to understand that what you most desire in another is already inside yourself but you cannot accept it. Your dislike for your rival reminds you of what you cannot accept about yourself. Most likely your rival cannot accept qualities within himself or herself that are already inside of you. You are both in the same boat. The reasons you got in the same boat often have to do with old family dynamics and not your individual failings. This is all pretty mysterious stuff and that’s why they make great movies about envy.

It’s best if you explore with trusted friends or a psychotherapist the complexity of your dilemma. Ultimately, to heal your resentments, you, like Cain, will need to become your brother’s (sister’s) keeper. For it is exactly those qualities in your brother (sister) that need your kindest acceptance.

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