I’m here to share a cautionary tale for anyone who still believes in the illusion that gambling is something they can do just for fun without it affecting them in negative ways. It took me a long time to remove the blinders and be honest with myself. For years, I didn’t know how to live life on life’s terms without turning to quick fixes to change how I felt.
My earliest meaningful memory of gambling goes back to when I was 15 years old. I was a caddy at a prominent golf course, and we would play quarters with dice in the caddy shack to pass the time. I was extremely competitive, and I loved it. I even introduced the game to friends outside of work so I could keep playing as often as possible.
Like many people, I went to the casino as soon as I turned 18. And, of course, what felt like the best possible thing happened at the time: I won. I saw the casino as my own personal ATM. It felt easy, like something I was naturally good at. More importantly, it distracted me from the way I was feeling. Over the next few years, I went to the casino on and off. Deep down, I knew it was a problem, mostly because of the remorse I felt after losing. But the high I felt after winning made me feel unstoppable, and that feeling kept pulling me back.
My gambling addiction was already taking hold because I had started lying to myself. I told myself that as long as I wasn’t going to the casino, I was doing well. In reality, I had just replaced one form of gambling with another. I discovered DraftKings. I could gamble from the convenience of my phone or computer, and there were games almost every night. Even though the games were at night, I spent most of my days researching matchups, obsessing over lineup changes, and planning my next bets.
After graduating from college, I moved back home to save money and build my business. I spent most of my days isolated in an office with my computer and rarely came out. I wasn’t present. I didn’t spend meaningful time with my family. But because I wasn’t going to the casino, and I was building a successful business, I convinced myself I was doing great.
I could gamble from the convenience of my phone or computer, and there were games almost every night.
I was sober from substances for around ten years before I fully admitted that gambling was a problem. Ten years of sobriety is a major accomplishment, and I am grateful for that time. I graduated college with a degree, something I never thought possible while in the grip of substance addiction. But those ten years were also filled with destructive thinking and recurring thoughts about using again. Gambling kept my other demons at bay. When I look back, I can see that while there were good moments, my life was not moving in the direction I truly wanted. I was a shell of myself, unhappy and just existing, and spiritually sick, largely because of my gambling. I didn’t yet have a real solution for how to live.
Gambling took a lot from me. You might assume the biggest loss was money, but it wasn’t. The greatest thing it took from me was time. Time spent not living in the present. Time spent obsessing over the next bet, the next game, the next outcome. When my mind was consumed by gambling, I had no chance of showing up the way I wanted to for myself or for others.
Today, I am actively working on recovery as an active member of Gamblers Anonymous. This 12-Step program and my recovery depend on continued participation. Working on all the Steps has helped me reach a healthier place in my life as I continuously apply them daily.
What truly elevates my recovery are the connections and the sense of belonging I find in the program. Having a sponsor is essential for me. It gives me someone who has walked this path before, someone who guides me through the Steps, challenges me when I am being dishonest with myself, and reminds me that I do not have to do this alone. Sponsorship brings accountability, honesty, and humility into my life in a way I cannot create on my own. Staying connected to others in recovery helps keep me grounded. It reminds me that I am not alone and that everyone is fighting some kind of battle. That perspective keeps me right sized and spiritually fit.
I believe my Higher Power continues to shape me and prepare me to help others. Ultimately, I believe the goal of recovery is not just to heal ourselves, but to stay healthy enough to be of service to someone else who is still struggling.
Sharing my story is part of how I stay connected to my recovery. If it helps even one person take an honest look at their own relationship with gambling, then it is worth it.
Information about Gamblers Anonymous (GA) events, meetings, and literature can be found at www.minnesotaga.com or use our 24/7 Hotline to talk peer-to-peer with gamblers in recovery. Ask your questions without fear of judgement.
All you need in GA is a desire to stop gambling. No dues. No fees. Find a meeting. Get to a meeting as your first step towards a better way of living. You are not the only one who suffers. Don’t let pain, loneliness, grief or loss steal your hope or your life. There is help.
GamblersAnonymous.org is the international website which points to online meetings worldwide—days, nights, weekends and Holidays—as well as literature for gamblers and families. Access Gam-Anon if you’re looking for ways to help and heal.
As Brady said, if we can work together and “help just one more person, it is worth it.”
You are worth it.
