Work used to be like walking the family dog—you did it out of a sense of duty, and it was good for your soul. Nowadays, work is more like walking a pit bull—you hang on for dear life as it drags you along. Too many of us are overworked, threatened by job insecurity through downsizing and corporate restructuring, and expected to perform tasks that several co-workers used to share. The American Dream has transformed too many of us into “wage slaves.”

Unfortunately, our family lives and community connections have suffered. Bureau of Labor Statistics 2023 data shows parents with school-age children now average just 52 minutes/day of primary childcare. KPMG (2024) found that guilt about family time is the second biggest challenge for working parents (43%). Clearly, the workplace has become a surrogate family, consuming more of our time and energy at the expense of irreplaceable family time.

Since 1991, millions of workers have fallen victim to corporate restructuring and reassignment, causing many families to relocate and severing the community roots so precious to a healthy family life. Too many of us have become, in Vance Packard’s poignant words, a “nation of strangers.” We dare not invest in our communities if we expect to be uprooted. The unpredictable demands of the workplace leave us in a state of perpetual uncertainty and disconnection—estranged from ourselves and from our children.

All of us suffer on a more personal level, too. In 2023, the CDC cited that 11.4% of U.S. adults take medication for depression (~29M) and 16.5% take any mental health medication (~40M+). So many of us are pressured by careerism, consumerism, and materialism that we don’t even see ourselves as having choices about our jobs. Studies consistently show that the vast majority of workers feel their jobs lack meaning or engagement. Gallup’s 2024 “State of the Global Workplace” report found that 77% of workers globally are either disengaged (62%) or actively disengaged (15%). So many of us who settle for comfortable wages haven’t considered whether our jobs contribute to our broader personal needs—feeding our spirits, enhancing our minds and bodies, contributing to a social good, or living in harmony with our environment. Too many of us suffer from chronic migraines, depression, sexual dysfunction, and weakened immune systems simply because we have allowed our workplaces to control us. It’s time for us to walk the dog, rather than the other way around.

Suffering is the inevitable result of being a round peg in a square hole.

The wrong job is costly

Susie, a bright woman in her forties, came to see me because her physician could find no medical explanation for her constant lethargy and low spirits. Despite graduating at the top of her college class, she had remained stuck for years in a demanding, chaotic secretarial job at a local university. She believed the prestige of a university position would boost her self-worth—but clearly, given her intellectual gifts, she needed to confront underemployment as a personal issue. To do so, she had to break a vicious cycle of medicating her depression with compulsive spending. As she resisted the numbing effects of overwork and debt, she recovered enough energy to apply to graduate school.

Marty, a 60-year-old advertising representative, had recently lost a prestigious $300,000-a-year position due to downsizing. He wanted his wife to be more understanding of his crisis. Rather than accepting a simpler life or a less lucrative role, Marty adopted a bunker mentality—withdrawing from his marriage and compulsively pursuing ad rep jobs to compensate for his loss. He could not accept his wife’s love without the validation of a high-paying title. Eventually, he lost his marriage as well.

Lawrence arrived in my office wearing khaki pants, a safari shirt, and rather chic shoes—not the look one might expect from an electrical engineer. Plagued by low motivation and disinterest in learning new software, Lawrence took little comfort in his technical skills. He revealed to me a secret life: exquisite drawings of houses he had designed, and a lifelong dream of becoming an architect. His father had forcefully discouraged Lawrence’s artistic interests, dismissing them as impractical and unmanly. Lawrence was a classic example of career mismatch.

Why do we stay in dysfunctional situations?

Work problems originate both within ourselves and outside ourselves. Those of us with significant financial obligations may have prepared our whole lives for the dynamic challenges of our careers, only to have that certainty undermined by restructuring, downsizing, or managed care. Our fatigue, numbness, and emotional absence from family may have less to do with personal shortcomings and more to do with the impossible demands placed on us—and our willingness to buy into the cultural myths of consumerism. To offset our emotional emptiness, many of us work harder, consume more, and see no other options. Many otherwise healthy families have been worn down by the vicious cycle of overwork, fatigue, numbness, and resignation that is so inherent to the modern workplace.

Other reasons for work problems lie within ourselves. Many of us stay in dysfunctional workplaces for the same reasons we stay in troubled relationships—we unconsciously reenact patterns learned in our families of origin. Some of us are too threatened to be happy, because happiness would require us to grieve losses we have long kept frozen. For example, if you grew up in a family that offered little encouragement, you may gravitate toward workplaces where praise is also withheld—because being praised would only sharpen the pain of what you lacked as a child.

Each of us has something unique to contribute to life.

Other options

In 1851, the English social critic John Ruskin observed that work happiness depends on three things: we must be fit for our work, we must not do too much of it, and we must find meaning in it. To make ends meet, we simply need a job that pays our bills. But to find genuine fulfillment, we need a career. Each of us has something unique to contribute to life. People who discover their calling often say, “Do I really get paid for this?” The process of defining and redefining our career is often a lifelong endeavor—made harder when we are out of touch with our emotional selves or trapped in our parents’ dreams. But finding meaningful work is not optional. Our self-esteem depends on it.

Take small steps each day to address your work situation. Read What Color Is Your Parachute? Allow yourself to imagine your dream job. Interview people who do that work and see what your dreams are made of. Gather a group of trusted friends over dinner to offer perspective on what you’d be good at. If you’re caught in a dream job gone haywire, consider your options. Perhaps it’s time to strike out on your own, or to simplify your lifestyle. Doing what you love while eating peanut butter sandwiches may be far better than dining on caviar on the corporate treadmill. Read Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez. You may need to reinvent yourself to reclaim your life. Whatever your direction—don’t let your work push you around. Stand up for yourself. When your work becomes more important than you are, it’s time to tighten the leash on the dog. You are not your work, and there is far more to you than any job could ever define.

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This article first appeared in the February 1999 issue of The Phoenix Spirit. Statistics and data have been updated.