Jack, God bless him, has been a faithful provider, an attentive usher at our church, and a great banjo player for the past 20 years. What more could a girl ask for, right? Well, let me tell you. I’ve been lonely for all those 20 years. Not a night goes by without my wishing I had a different life. I have no tears left to cry. Jack is a good man but he’s just like my father — a nice guy to the outside world but an invisible man inside our family. Jack avoids any emotional display. He never gets mad, he never disagrees, and he just likes to be in the background. Yes, I’ve talked to him hundreds of times. Getting mad does no good. He promises to change and he never does. It’s almost like there’s something permanently missing in Jack. Then again, I suppose there’s something wrong with me for wanting more than banjo music.

About 10 to 13 percent of the people we care about do have serious personality problems. Their condition is called a personality disorder — a behavioral and interpersonal dysfunction. People with personality disorders have lifelong difficulties with feeling emotionally close to others, tend not to learn from past experiences, are impulsive and rigid, and lack true compassion for other people’s feelings.

You can find these people in all walks of life, and they may enjoy career success in some professions principally as a result of their having a personality disorder. While all of us may feel disconnected at times in our lives, people with personality disorders feel chronically disconnected and lack an ability to bond with others.

People who cannot love typify the saying, “You can’t get water from a rock.” Frequently, they also have persistent problems with depression, anxiety, and interpersonal conflict, especially as they age, although they may continually deny such difficulties.

As the vignette above indicates, people with this disorder leave incredible emotional vacuums in their relationships and they cause great invisible damage to the people who love them. Often, partners of people with personality disorders are the Mother Teresas of relationships — they provide all the giving. Unfortunately, such one-sided generosity can overburden a spouse, distort love relationships into mother/son or father/daughter relationships, and leave the responsible one starving for love. Rather than feeling destined for sainthood, such over-responsible partners go through an emotional hell and don’t know why. Perhaps the deepest wound we endure as humans is to feel desperately lonely with a loved one and not know why.

There is another reason for concern about loved ones having a personality disorder. If we are raising children who are emotionally unattached, chronically inhibited, or who keep to themselves and have persistent behavior problems despite remedial help, it’s best to intervene early in their life experiences rather than pretend that everything will be OK. Clearly, the challenges facing today’s children make it imperative that we stay attuned to their emotional wellbeing. With competent help, behavior change and growth are often possible for such children.

Warning signals

Persistent patterns of the following indicators may point to a personality disorder:

• Only superficial, utilitarian, clingy, or non-existent friendships;
• Limited range of emotional expressions;
• Act-before-you-think decision-making;
• Repeating past mistakes despite obvious warning signals;
• Inability to anticipate, understand, and respect other people’s feelings;
• Charming or eccentric demeanor hiding a naive obliviousness to other people’s feelings;
• Relentless black/white thinking; and
• Me-only styles of relating.

Origins of personality disorders

Since about 80 percent of incarcerated prisoners have personality disorders and are often repeat offenders, there is good reason to be interested in the origins of this dysfunction. We surmise that genetic, psychological, biological, and social factors all contribute. For example, we know that criminality has a genetic influence on offspring. Children who have not established a separate emotional identity during the “terrible twos” may be prone to this disorder. We’re also aware that some people with personality disorders lack a normal fear response and may engage in reckless behaviors for brain stimulation. Certainly, social factors like poverty, over-reliance on technology, and the employment of both parents outside the home may rob loved ones of the personal contact so necessary for interpersonal competence. Screens and devices cannot raise our children, and yet they occupy an increasingly larger part of our children’s lives — to say nothing of our own.

Is there hope?

It would be nice if the answer to this question could be a resounding, “Yes!” Unfortunately, many people with personality disorders do not change very easily or often. Typically, they don’t see themselves as having a problem, or else they blame others for their own shortcomings. They may tend to see that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and skip town rather than face their own problems head-on. They may slip through the cracks of health care systems that are designed to merely manage symptoms.

Nevertheless, people who partially admit to having problems, are somewhat depressed, or are facing dire consequences as a result of their actions may be successful candidates for change and growth through treatment. Psychological counseling, cognitive-behavioral re-training, medication, and group therapy are successful for people who persevere. Competent educational programs can lessen behavioral problems for people with this disorder even when their underlying personality problems remain unresolved. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Guidelines for Growth

We need to ask the same question — “Is there hope?” — and apply it to ourselves. What can we do to make our own lives fulfilled and emotionally richer when we’re powerless over a loved one’s limitations? It’s advisable for us all to realistically assess and accept that our loved ones may not be capable of giving us what we need. Perhaps we are asking too much of some people by expecting them to care for us when they may be unable to do that. Setting limits on ways we can be hurt, making our own happiness, and receiving the love of supportive others are all options open to us. Certainly we need to unburden ourselves of any blame and guilt we feel, since we do not create the personality disorder in our loved ones. As we accept the things we cannot change, we will have the courage and wisdom to change the things we can.

Also, as we understand the troubles some people have with human bonding, we will all learn to more realistically relate to each other, and we will learn to cherish our own capacities for corrupted or compassionate love.