Can you tell us a bit about yourself and what led you to specialize in substance use and relationship counseling?    

Hello! My name is Kimberly Luebke. I am a licensed alcohol and drug counselor and the owner of Make It Make Sense Counseling in Woodbury, MN. I have had an interest in counseling since I was a teenager but became passionate about substance use counseling when I found joy and freedom from alcohol myself. Through that process, I was shocked at how poor the marketing campaign for sobriety and recovery is. That is when I pursued my education in addiction counseling in hopes of shifting the way others view a life free of substances.    

Later, while loving someone through their addiction, I saw what gaps there were in the care of significant others and spouses who are walking alongside their loved ones in addiction. That was really the catalyst for my interest in working with couples to understand one another and work on sustainable, meaningful repair.    

You work with individuals as well as couples. How does addiction tend to show up in a relationship, and how do you help both partners work through it together?    

Addiction is obviously going to show up a little differently in each relationship, especially if the significant other does or doesn’t use substances as well. However, frequently the behaviors align with protecting the addiction and not the partnership. That usually shows up as dishonesty, manipulation, emotional abuse, sometimes other forms of abuse, inconsistency, unreliability, and lack of ownership.    

The first step toward relationship repair is recognizing what actually needs to be mended and developing a plan for both partners. There is a lot of betrayal in relationships that are marred by addiction. Frequently loved ones are traumatized by the experience and need a plan for healing. However, safety has to be restored for partners to begin the vulnerable work of moving forward. I work with each person to identify what their role is in the repair process.    

The partner in addiction has to recognize that no longer “setting fires” is not the same as repairing what has been previously destroyed. Time does not rebuild what has been broken; work does. The same goes for partners. Unfortunately, healing from betrayal requires its own work. It is important that when you commit to repair, your behavior follows suit.    

What’s something you wish more family members understood about how to support a loved one who’s struggling with substance use?    

We, as loved ones, do not have to work in extremes. People often get stuck in extremes. Either they believe that their boundaries must equal complete disconnection until their loved one becomes sober,or that love equals protecting their loved one from pain and consequence. Neither of these are helpful.

I believe that healthy boundaries maintain connection. A boundary is a limit, a line, a threshold that we enforce within our relationships. Boundaries are not doors that we lock and throw away the key. We continue to invite our loved ones in and let them know they are welcome when they are prepared to walk through safely. Connection combats the internal narrative created by substance use.  It interrupts the mental loop of phrases like, “Who cares?” Love reaches places that substance use tries to numb.    

Tell your loved ones that you love them. Speak to them as if success in recovery is on the horizon.  Say things like, “I cannot wait to see you on the other side of this.” Speak confidently. None of this means protecting them from discomfort. It does not mean that you cannot let your loved one know how their behavior impacts you and others. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the idea that we show love by protecting our loved ones from the consequences of their behavior. We hide things for them, we cover up wrongdoings, and we clean up messes. The issue with that is that addiction thrives in comfort. Pain and discomfort is the catalyst for change. If I do not feel pain when I put my hand on a hot burner, what tells me that I need to pull it away before I sear my skin off? Pain is a messenger that is essential to our wellbeing. This does not mean that you do not try to influence their behavior for the better. It means that when they make choices, you allow them to feel the weight of those choices.

One last thing, stop glorifying substance use. If you drink or use substances, consider stopping. Have you ever tried to eat healthier while someone next to you is enjoying a slice of your favorite pizza? People’s mindsets, desires, and habits are greatly influenced by the people they care about. If you want them to care enough about you to quit, care enough about them to make it easier.    

When I think about how many people are impacted by a single person’s decision to heal, it brings me so much joy.

Once someone gets sober, there’s often a whole new chapter of work rebuilding the relationship. What are some of the issues that must be addressed during the relationship repair process?     

Trust is the biggest issue to address in relationship repair. How you approach that depends on what areas you have lost trust in but there is one universal truth:  be willing to be transparent. Don’t expect your loved ones to “take your word for it.” You are not entitled to trust you have not earned. We have somehow started to label everything as “codependent.” Being transparent and requiring transparency is not “codependent.” It is a vital step in creating trust and safety within a broken relationship.    

Remember that becoming sober does not address the patterns of thinking and behaving that helped to progress, strengthen, and maintain addiction. Take an honest inventory of yourself. Do you still put your needs and feelings above all else without considering the impact to those you love? Do you find yourself being dishonest or manipulative even in small ways? Are you still unreliable or inconsistent? Do you follow through on what you say you are going to do? Be honest with yourself about what areas you would benefit from growing in and hold yourself accountable. Nothing changes if nothing changes.  

Your approach is faith-based, blending biblical truth with compassion. How does that show up in your work, especially when it comes to shame versus accountability?     

Romans 12:2 teaches us not to be conformed to the world but to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. Without a renewal of mind, one cannot discern between their will and God’s will. Shame is the poison that accumulates within us when we are not living in alignment with our values. Self-accountability is the antidote to shame. It motivates us into alignment.    

A lot of people might be curious about their relationship with alcohol or substances. How do you work with someone who’s “sober curious” but unsure if they have a problem?    

My favorite thing about sobriety is that it is for everyone. You don’t have to have a problem to benefit from a sober life. So the question stops becoming, “What is the threshold of pain I need to hit to stop?” And it starts being, “What is keeping me from living a healthier, clearer, and more content life right now?” If you are curious about your relationship with alcohol, marijuana, or other substances, you already know that it isn’t serving you. Let’s explore why you know your life would be better substance free.    

For someone who feels stuck in their relationship because of addiction, what would you say is the first step toward real change?    

The first step is committing to change. Change is much easier when you have a “no matter what” attitude. When you don’t give yourself an option to return to what isn’t serving you, it is a lot easier to accept the discomfort of growth.    

What gives you hope when you think about the families and couples you work with?    

When I think about how many people are impacted by a single person’s decision to heal, it brings me so much joy. People have the capacity to impact generations by making simple decisions.    

Are there any other tips or resources that you’d like to share with the readers?    

Years ago, I read something in This Naked Mind by Annie Grace that said we influence our subconscious desires by feeding our conscious mind new information. When change is necessary, renewal of your mind is not optional. When you look at sobriety as an amazing opportunity instead of a punishment, you might just find yourself wondering why you ever thought any other way of life was better.    

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Kimberly Luebke is a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor and owner of Make It Make Sense Counseling in Woodbury, Minnesota. She works with individuals and couples impacted by substance use and specializes in relationship repair, recovery, and faith-based counseling. Her mission is to help people find freedom from addiction, fall in love with recovery, and build lives they don’t want to escape from. Kimberly believes healing happens through accountability, meaningful connection, and sometimes a little humor along the way.