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“If I had to live my life again, I’d make all the same mistakes—only sooner.” —Tallulah Bankhead
“What shows isn’t always what counts.” —Anonymous
Endlessly obsessing about our appearances and knowing the right people. Spending excessive amounts of time on simple work assignments—or avoiding them altogether. Constantly checking our children’s homework for errors. Having to lose weight to feel OK about ourselves. Never being satisfied no matter how well things are going. Repeatedly starting things but never finishing them. Turning fun family activities into drudgery or tests of competency. Desperately driving children to all their activities and yelling at coaches and referees at every setback. What in the world gets into us sometimes!
So many of us are constantly trying to be perfect and we don’t even know it. We may simply see no other way to live, and be out of touch with the perils of perfectionism—how it limits our identities and the love we share with others. In fact, being perfect is not the only way to live, and it is not the best we can do.
The suffering of perfectionists
Many of us idealize achievers and winners because we want to be like them, but we’re oblivious to the self-imposed suffering that their perfectionism can cause. Actually, when they succeed, perfectionists do so in spite of themselves, and they never really feel like winners. They live under a scourge of self-criticism and believe they are only as good as their last victory. Even in triumph, their joy is short-lived and insufficient, as they will surely be expected to do better next time. To hide such insecurities, perfectionists divide their identities into a public self that everybody admires and a private self that is hated and kept under wraps. In personal relationships, such splitting makes perfectionists unreachable, as others never feel they really know the whole person.
As popular as they are, perfectionists are frequently quite lonely because, besides being self-critical, they are often critical of others. In addition, people have a hard time getting to know them because they are preoccupied with appearance and only show others the parts of themselves they think will make a good impression. Actually, in the long run, rather than being on top of things, perfectionists often feel like frauds, carrying massive amounts of inner shame and getting trapped in a vicious cycle of having to repeatedly prove themselves. Ultimately, they are depressed and despairing, especially when earlier successes become unattainable in later years. Often, perfectionists don’t experience the ultimate joys of life that come from failing gracefully and feeling lovable despite flaws.
Many of us idealize achievers and winners because we want to be like them, but we’re oblivious to the self-imposed suffering that their perfectionism can cause.
The role of culture
American culture has an enormous impact in making us not feel good about ourselves, even when we’re leading rather decent and satisfying lives. Advertisers, drug companies, and the media make large profits from helping us feel frightened, inadequate, and dissatisfied. The pressure to consume preys on our insecurities as we are lured into buying bigger cars, keeping up with the latest costly technology, and staying thin, young, and attractive if we ever dream of succeeding or being adequate. Corporate America often insists that we look outside ourselves for self-definition, signaling that who we already are is not good enough. Heaven help our economy if all of us simply decided to accept ourselves, flaws and all, as we really are!
Young people are especially prone to cultural brainwashing about the need for perfection, as they often lack reliable adults who can help them sort fact from fiction. Preteen girls start dieting when they come to believe that to be successful and popular, they must be obscenely thin, compliant, and accomplished. Boys are expected to cut off any semblance of weakness or tenderness in their early school years, and they get social kudos for hyper-athleticism and for playing dumb. These social sex-role stereotypes get ingrained in children and essentially give them the scripts they think they need in order to be perfect. Unfortunately, such scripts rob them of a childhood and ill-prepare them for the complex emotional world of adult relationships. Tragically, we adults seem to sanction such nonsense by supporting beauty contests, traveling sports leagues, and asking our toddlers to learn the violin. The truth is that children carry out these so-called interests for our needs, not theirs.
Psychological origins of having to be the best
Once, an Athenian craftsman named Daedalus made two pairs of wings out of feathers and wax so that he and his son, Icarus, could escape their captivity by flight. Daedalus warned the boy not to fly too high, for the sun would melt the wax. But Icarus, so impressed with his newfound powers, wondered if he could escape being human altogether and join the gods in the pantheon. He even wondered if he himself might be a god. So he flew higher and higher into the heavens. However, as he got closer to the sun, his wings began to melt, and he came crashing down to the sea in a tragic death.
The story of Icarus epitomizes perfectionism. When we always have to be the best, we are secretly trying to be someone other than who we already are, and we are rejecting what makes us most lovable—our humanness. Too many of us try to fly high in an effort to prove something about ourselves, and eventually we get our wings clipped. In reality, if we had just kept our feet on the ground and did the best we could, we would be completely acceptable as we already are. The Greeks understood humanness better than we do. They knew that being human—and flawed—is in some ways better than being a god.
Unfortunately, some of us were raised by parents who neglected us, and we cultivated unrealistic expectations of ourselves in order to be lovable—or else we were pressured by our parents to be as godly as they thought they were. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Inside each of us—in our humanness, with all of its shortcomings—is a sacred part of us.
Better than perfect
Let’s learn from the Greeks. You and I can soar as high as we want, but we don’t have to be gods. It’s enough for us to be human. Read The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family and Be Perfectly Satisfied by Brad E. Sachs, Ph.D. (HarperCollins, 2002). In fact, we’ll probably fly a lot higher if we accept our limitations and criticize ourselves less. Besides, let’s remember what really makes us happy—quality relationships with others and an ability to laugh at ourselves. When we stumble, others can comfort us and help us see the humor in how we are no different than they are. Failing is necessary to be loved.
Finally, we are more than our behaviors and appearances. Inside each of us—in our humanness, with all of its shortcomings—is a sacred part of us. Such a presence shows up when we share our common failings with others, are completely accepted in all of our nakedness, and make a connection with those we would otherwise be unlikely to connect with. These moments are miraculous and affirm our shared divinity. In fact, none of us needs to be a god, because God is already inside each of us. People in 12-step groups know exactly what I mean.
John H. Driggs is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul, MN and co-author of Intimacy Between Men (Penguin Books, 1990). This article first appeared in the September 2002 issue of The Phoenix Spirit. We may earn a commission via some of the links on this page – at no cost to you.
