Hey, I’m just a regular guy. Well, almost. Sure, everybody sees me as this nice guy—which I am—but what they don’t see is that I’m scared to death of socializing. It’s a dirty little secret of mine. At parties, I clam up, spectate, or sometimes completely freeze up when someone asks me a personal question. It’s not that I don’t like people; it’s that I get scared to death of exposing myself to them. I know I look stupid, and everybody sees what a jerk I am when I talk. At get-togethers, I’m constantly checking to see if I’m stammering or if my voice is shaky. While everybody else is having a good time, I’m getting more and more self-conscious and self-critical, to the point where eventually I just have to leave. Sometimes, when people get too personal, I really go into a panic—breathing fast, turning red, feeling dizzy, and sweating like a pig.

God, when I go to parties, you’d think I was in front of a firing squad. Heck, I’d probably prefer the firing squad. Needless to say, I just avoid social get-togethers. Of course, that makes it hard to meet women, life gets lonely, and after many years of this, I get depressed. I wish I could be like everybody else, but I’m not.

Approximately 15-20 percent of the U.S. population suffer from some form of social anxiety—irrational fears in social encounters. When such fears are chronic and interfere with our life goals, we are said to have a social phobia. People with social phobias have a secret, idiosyncratic response to social situations that is out of proportion with what is happening around them and discrepant from how other people behave in public.

While others are enjoying social exchanges, they are going through their own private ordeals and they feel essentially alone, even when they are in a group. Such people may be inhibited eating in restaurants, speaking on the phone, talking in front of a group, using public restrooms, or being the center of attention in general.

Often such syndromes surface in adolescence, when personal identity is being asserted and more publicly exposed. Typically, these patterns persist throughout life, reinforcing a sense of failure, particularly when there seems to be no apparent reason for them.

Due to avoidance of personal disclosure, socially phobic people tend to keep this problem to themselves, which worsens their dilemmas. Rather than re-experiencing social failure, they tend to limit or give up on socializing altogether. When one essential aspect of our identity is off—like socializing—our total view of ourselves is diminished. Depression, social immaturity, career underachievement, and a lessened sense of self are common consequences of untreated social anxiety. Sadly, too many people suffer alone in silence with this disorder, when in fact it is highly treatable with caring professional help. Overcoming social anxiety can be the start of a whole new way of living.

Social phobias are like overactive smoke detectors—they warn us when we really don’t need warning.

The positive side of fear

Fear in general is not a bad thing. Our brains get wired from our evolutionary pasts to help us be on our toes when danger approaches. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Each of us is wired differently based on our genetics, life experiences, and behavioral choices.

People with significant fears often have active nervous systems and underlying sensitivity to others and their environments in ways that other people lack. The very things that make us antsy also enable us to be creative. Poets, writers, musicians, songwriters, and psychologists are prone to social phobias. However, even people who pursue intellectual or physically demanding careers—like athletics, computer programming, and bricklaying—can be prone to worrying. Fear-driven people are frequently and keenly attuned to disapproval from others, no matter what line of work they are in.

Frankly, in my view, the world could use more people fretting about what other people think. Too many people think only about themselves and are oblivious to the needs of others. Nervous people often make good friends—at least better friends than colder people. Also, worrywarts tend to set higher goals for themselves in academic and career achievement, and they tend to be very futuristic in their thinking. One can do worse in life than be a worrier.

When is fear a problem?

All of us can have adverse periods in our lives when getting together with others can be foreboding and uncomfortable—during adolescence, for instance, or after a relationship breakup, or a bout of poor health. But fear is a real problem when we seem to be socially uncomfortable at almost all times, even good times. When fear persists in favorable times, interferes with our life goals, and seems unproductive or undermines our best efforts, fear is a more serious issue.

Social phobias are like overactive smoke detectors—they warn us when we really don’t need warning. They are false fears that hinder more than help.

Recognizing social phobia

The following signals may indicate you have a social phobia:

• Persistent avoidance of public gatherings.
• Physiological arousal of fear in social situations—blushing, rapid breathing, sweaty palms, inability to speak, feelings of entrapment and dread, light-headedness.
• Wallflower behaviors in social settings—spectating, being on the outside.
• Career or love-relationship underachievement due to social fears.
• Harsh self-criticism or self-consciousness in public gatherings.
• A continuing view that people in crowds are disapproving of you.
• Seeing your social mannerisms as stupid, pathetic, or uniquely inept.

By the very nature of social fears, we need others to help us heal.

Why am I so worried?

Many factors may contribute to having a social phobia. Genetics may predispose some people to be overly harsh in their social responses to others and to have an overactive nervous system response regarding disapproval from others. Some of us may routinely misinterpret behaviors in others and be far too critical of our own social skills. Others may have had adverse experiences from past public presentations that have negatively shaped our views of ourselves as inept. Some of us have grown up in families that have neglected our social development or undermined our efforts to connect. Nearly all contributing factors result in a spiraling pattern of failure and shame.

Overcoming social phobia

What spirals negatively can also spiral positively. Social inhibition is not about negative character—it’s about faulty learning. We can all learn to overcome social phobias by altering our thinking, self-defeating behaviors, physiological regulation, and negative self-talk. What makes us tense can also make us confident.

When we enter a professional helping relationship, we re-experience on a small scale, and in a safe way, the very demons that terrify us in larger social gatherings. By gradually facing our demons with a helper, we can also tame them and release ourselves for growth. By the very nature of social fears, we need others to help us heal.

Read Dying of Embarrassment (New Harbinger Publications, 1992). It’s never too late to change the unchangeable.

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John H. Driggs, is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has written for The Phoenix Spirit since the ’80s.