Pearl Buck, a famous author, once said, “The love between a man and a woman is not just precious, it is life itself.” Certainly, much the same could be said about all loving partnerships. The meaning of our lives is often shaped by our meeting and growing up with a special person who is our life mate. It’s not staying together that gives our lives meaning; it’s growing together. Although at first it’s euphoric to meet that special someone, what happens after we fall in love—over the course of our lives—is really what determines the quality of our lasting love and our life satisfaction. When we fail to be bigger persons with our partners in meeting life’s challenges, our love can become stale and we ourselves may feel less alive and unreal. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, who constantly seeks true love in order to become a real live rabbit in the touching story by Margery Williams, we ourselves may crave authentic love in order to be fully alive. However, as we mature together in facing life’s challenges, love stays real and lasting. It’s best to be aware of the challenges we face in growing to love.

Do my partner and I respect each other’s differences in areas that are problematic?

I’ve always liked the song “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” because it advocates an essential ingredient to true love. All the flowers, affection, and promises in the world will never do for relationships what basic human respect will do. Allowing ourselves to be inconvenienced and fully responsible for our own demons for the greater good of a partner is the core of love.

Throughout our lives, we will be asked to face unanticipated adversity and surprising life detours as we and our partners continually play out the old adage, “You never step into the same river twice.” As we age and change, we will persistently be required to adapt and responsibly face our own resistance to necessary alterations in our relationships. When lovers only pay lip service to respect, major control battles may ensue and we may feel like we are trudging through mud with them. But if we truly respect our lover and see unexpected opportunity for our own personal growth in our differences with a partner, life may be more of an inspiring stroll down a sacred path with our beloved.

Do we actively work on our own personal growth apart from the relationship?

The concept of two halves becoming whole in a relationship is a romantic fantasy. Each of us needs to be whole apart from the relationship for the caring to be authentic. Many of us enter relationships partially hoping that a partner can supply the missing elements in ourselves. Who can top the exhilaration of finally meeting a partner who is everything we are not? However, in facing real life with such a partner, we may realize the price we are paying for such a bargain, as each of us needs to be a whole person on our own. Inevitably, in romanticized relationships, disillusionment sets in and we begin seeing our idealized lovers as the mortal enemies we never imagined them to be. Unfortunately, one of the cruelest lessons of lasting love is that others cannot do for us what we alone must do for ourselves. We need our dear ones as dance partners through life, but they cannot teach us how to walk with truth.

Allowing ourselves to be inconvenienced and fully responsible for our own demons for the greater good of a partner is the core of love.

Are we freely supportive of each other’s sexual needs and expressions?

Nowadays, sexual fulfillment in relationships is very difficult to realize, especially over the long haul. In this age of supposed sexual freedom, too many of us receive no personal sex education and lack modeling of intimate expressions between our parents in our childhood. So we fail to adapt to the sexual and affectional demands of our own changing relationships over the life span, particularly if there are problems in this area.

Although we are not solely to blame for why our relationships may become sexually unfulfilling, we are certainly responsible for educating ourselves on behalf of our own and our partner’s sexual needs and making changes. Unfortunately, sex in relationships, like sex in our society, gets used to express non-sexual needs, and it rarely has a life of its own as an expression of sacredness. While effort is required for sex to be sacred, many of us need to be forgiving of ourselves and our partners in such efforts. Patient humor is one of the sexiest ways to support a partner.

Do we surrender to the things we cannot change in one another while keeping an eye on the bigger picture?

As long as we are not being abused, it’s generally preferable to tolerate the limitations of a relationship with the hope of working them out one way or another in the long run, especially when there are bigger items at stake. Commitment between lovers is essential for change to occur. Certainly, we can caringly address our concerns with a partner, but we cannot make another person change. And we can always opt to leave a relationship if we’ve made repeated attempts to improve it and our efforts have failed.

If our self-esteem is not being seriously eroded by a partnership, we also have the choice to stay and be patient with life’s limitations. There may be hidden value in such surrendering even though it goes against the grain of our pain-intolerant culture to do so. For example, some of the heartache we have with our partners may ultimately reflect our own unrealistic expectations and intolerance, or ways we indirectly contribute to relationship problems. Sometimes living with disappointment allows us to look at ourselves in the mirror more honestly and take greater personal responsibility for our own happiness. Hardship allows us to see what we are really made of.

Are spontaneity and creativity a regular part of our interactions?

Some of the best times in relationships are when lovers act totally out of the norm. When we ask, “Who is this person I am with?!” we’re likely experiencing a divinely perplexing expression of love. All of us are more than we appear to be, and it’s best to keep alive the mystery of who we are with our dearest. It is a tribute to the safety and promise of love if we can be who we usually are not with our partners.

Do we share a spiritual practice?

Sometimes the only way lovers can connect is through God. Spiritual practice brings us closer to a Higher Power who is often our best marriage counselor.

Are we giving back to our communities and friends as a result of the love between us?

True love is an abundant garden. Let us keep only what we need for ourselves and let the rest be enjoyed by our neighbors. In fact, the more we give away, the more we receive.

Guidelines for growth

If you’re not meeting some of these challenges very well, don’t despair. You’re not alone. Keep in mind that good relationships are built on effort, not perfection, as life is more interesting that way. However, if you feel very stuck in your journey as a couple, it’s best to make efforts to heal—change doesn’t occur on its own.

Many of us become bogged down in relationships, not because we don’t care for each other, but because we fall prey to the hidden, unconscious forces that undermine love. Essentially, at times in any loving partnership, we can’t tell the forest from the trees. If we get help, either for ourselves or with our partners, we are less likely to stay lost. Read The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (Warner Books, 1995). Consider getting professional guidance in your life walk with a partner. To stroll through the woods, help from a guide is not required, but it sure helps when you’re lost.

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John H. Driggs, is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul, MN and co-author of Intimacy Between Men.

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