When we acknowledge a problem, we begin to destroy its power over us. Be that as it may, most of us are very reluctant to see how our parents have caused us serious problems in our adult lives from the way they raised us; hence we remain overpowered by our pasts.

Typically, we’re unwilling to see our parents in an unfavorable light. We say they loved us, that our families were better than other families, that our parents did the best they could, that dwelling on the past is ill-advised, and that, in any case, even if they made some mistakes, it does no good to blame our parents today for the problems we bring on ourselves.

Unfortunately, despite our well-intentioned excuses, our original real problem—that our parents controlled the life out of some of us as children—never really goes away or gets acknowledged in our present lives. In fact, way too many of us never connect our pasts to our presents, and given no other explanation for our current dilemmas, we simply and endlessly blame ourselves.

Signs of being controlled

While it’s never wise to place the complete burden of our present lives on the shoulders of our parents, it’s essential to recognize when our childhood experiences were outside of the norm, and how they gravely affect us today. George Santayana, a famous philosopher, said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Understanding our history allows us to see ourselves in a more forgiving context and gives us specific clues about how to grow in our current lives. It’s OK to question how we were raised as children for the purpose of having more power and serenity today, even if it means seeing our parents in a less favorable way. In fact, our having a more honest view of our connection to our parents is ultimately a tribute to our courage—and to their skills in raising children who pursue truth. In that vein, examine the following signs that may indicate you were raised by controlling parents:

• Your mom or dad micromanaged your life as a child to such an extent that it was just easier to do things “their way” nearly all of the time.
• You walked around “on eggshells” as a child, fearing the disapproval, rejection, or abuse of a parent even when you did no wrong.
• You feel that your identity today as an adult is often lacking, and you are constantly making sure that other people like you.
• You have a lifelong distrust that other people could ever truly like you if they really got to know the real you; you often feel you have to be thinner, smarter, wealthier, or more competent to earn love.
• You cannot in your wildest dreams ever imagine being directly honest with your parents about the ways they’ve hurt you—you often tell them what they want to hear.
• You frequently avoid conflict with others, dread making others mad, have difficulty making decisions on your own, and do not assert your rights even when it is justified to do so.
• You see little value to your life other than doing good for others, or you constantly crave the attention of that special and elusive someone who will complete you.
• Nowadays, you often look for some strong person to tell you how to live your life, and when they do, you resent their advice or follow it halfheartedly.
• You feel terribly guilty about disappointing others or hurting their feelings.

Understanding our history allows us to see ourselves in a more forgiving context and gives us specific clues about how to grow in our current lives.

The absurd logic of always blaming ourselves

Perhaps people have endlessly remarked that you’re way too hard on yourself or that it’s not your fault for how you are being treated. You may tell yourself the same thing, yet you continue to feel deep down that “you are to blame.” Although logically you may see that blame can be placed elsewhere, you can’t stop faulting yourself.

Sound familiar? There is a funny logic to this madness. Most of us controlled people have been brainwashed into believing that things are always our fault, so we’re comfortable with this role, because we know how to play it and it gives us a sense of control. If we can only improve ourselves, we will finally be loved (and of course we never are!). Also, most of us feel much safer in faulting ourselves than seeing and confronting how others misuse us. It’s not that we like being misused; we simply don’t know how to handle conflict and we don’t want to take responsibility for our own happiness.

Finally, on a deeper level, most of us would just as soon be blamed, because we are deathly afraid of being truly loved. Honest love may scare the hell out of us, and as long as we’re being misused by others, we’ll never have to worry about being truly cared for. Endlessly blaming ourselves keeps our grief over what we never got, and our personal growth, forever frozen in time.

Why were our parents so controlling?

Although many of us recovering people are dissuaded from asking “Why?,” it’s only natural to do so. It may confuse us to no end to imagine that the very people who claimed to love us and have cared for us in other concrete areas have also hurt us in very deep and lasting ways. Most controlling parents were not intentionally malicious, but had problems with boundaries with us, continuously confusing their needs and feelings with our needs and feelings. Ideally, children ought to be seen for what they bring into the world and encouraged to be who they need to be.

Unfortunately, some parents, in the name of love, do not see children for who they are but instead see them for what they trigger from their own childhoods. Controlling parents often get scared by their children’s behaviors because it unconsciously reminds them of how they were terrorized themselves as children by their own parents. So they control their children in order not to feel their own past horrors. Tragically, controlling parents often hurt their children in the name of misplaced love and protection. Other parents may be deliberately sadistic and abusive and use children as objects to relieve their own stress, because children are available and dependent on them.

Overcoming the legacy of control

I’ve always liked the saying, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” This motto applies to overcoming controlling parents. Unfortunately, for many of us, our pasts are alive in our presents. However, that is also how we can heal our childhood wounds—by not allowing ourselves to be controlled today, and asserting our identities even at the cost of putting other relationships second. After all, if there is no “me,” how can there really ever be an “us”? Each of us deserves to have an authentic self, and our loved ones deserve to have a real person who loves them. Fakes will not do.

Look over the list above and see if it applies to you. Get regular help from trusted others or professional guides who will adamantly refrain from giving you advice and just let you be you in the deepest sense. It may help to read If You Had Controlling Parents (Cliff Street Books, 1998) by Dan Neuharth, Ph.D.

You may be very nervous to give birth to yourself—whoever that person is—so it’s best to be patient and determined even at the cost of rocking the boat in essential relationships. Trust yourself—you are turning into a lovely butterfly, not a terrifying monster. If loved ones cannot abide your being the real you, is it really worth the sacrifice of your life to make them happy? Only you alone can decide this.

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John H. Driggs, is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker from St. Paul, MN. This article first appeared in the March 2003 issue of The Phoenix Spirit. We may earn a commission via some of the links on this page – at no cost to you.